Logistics

I am a planner. Always have been, always will be. I need to go into a situation knowing what to expect when I get there and to make sure I am as prepared as possible for any given situation. You should see THE LIST I have for when we go camping. It’s all organized and pretty on a spreadsheet and everything. You should have seen me that one day years ago when Matt sprung a surprise camping trip on me and packed everything himself. I was so unnerved and anxious about “did you remember extra toilet paper” to “do we have all the condiments we’ll need to eat” and “what about the bear spray? You packed the bear spray...right?”

So one question that always comes back and bugs me is “how will I do this [insert activity name here] with Nikolas, where will I put him so I can do [insert task name here]”. Taking him to the swimming pool for the first time when he was only 10 weeks old almost sent me over the edge. Where would I change him? What would I do with him so I could get changed? How do I get everything shoved into a locker while also making sure he’s safe? Luckily, I had a good friend, and mother of two pre-teens with me to help.  And despite the crappy “family” change room at the local pool, we got it all accomplished. (Note to parents who haven’t done this before – just use the bucket car seat for small babies, and strollers for older ones. Some facilities will let you bring your stroller right out onto the pool deck, better pools will even provide strollers and will have playpens by the showers).

Now that I’m back at work, I am still amazed that people go on to have more than one child. HOW do they do it? Literally? HOW???? Right now, I rely on Matt getting Nikolas up and ready to go in the morning while I drag my ass and somehow manage to get out the door.  I am dreading summer (isn’t that shitty?) when Matt will be gone by 5:00 am and home after 9:00 (due to his wonderful job in the golf industry – note the sarcasm) and I will have to do it all by myself. I know I will figure it out, but I right now I just don’t know HOW.
Other questions that commonly bother me:

HOW do you manage to prepare meals for your family when another new born enters the scene? It took me months to be able to put Nikolas down long enough to prep and cook a meal. He was feeding like a beast and I was STARVING.

How do you travel with two kids?

How do you take two kids to the pool?

How do you do anything with more than one child???

How do you keep up with a toddler’s schedule (nursery school, play dates, etc) and still make sure a newborn gets their daily naps in?

Parental Advice

Have you ever found that the best advice about being a parent comes from those who don’t have kids?

I have to admit; before Nikolas came along, I had no idea what parenthood was all about. When you have kids, you suddenly become part of a secret club. People who are in the club can try to explain to outsiders what it is like, but unless you get in, you really don’t know.

So for people who have no kids and no responsibilities beyond themselves to give advice on how to be a parent, well, I guess it would be like a cave man teaching a pilot how to fly a plane. It’s kind of funny.
Matt came home a few days ago and shared with me that his brother (who has no children) told him that having kids is easy, you just have to be organized and plan. When I heard this, I really did laugh out loud. Oh, I can’t wait for this guy to have kids of his own so he can eat his words!

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is to let go of control and just go with the flow. No matter how much planning and organizing I do – and trust me, I’m a planner; I am the queen of lists– things rarely go the way I anticipate. And not that this is a bad thing...unless I let it get to me, which I used to when I was still adjusting to this whole parenthood thing, I’ve just learned to accept the situation and do what I need to do to keep going on my course.

Great example  of this was this morning. I was getting ready for work, Matt had gotten Nikolas up and dressed and given him a bottle, and he was off to play. I was in the kitchen, noticed that Nikolas was playing in the mud room. On a quick glance, I took note that he was not eating the dog food, so I wasn’t too concerned about what he was doing in there. A few minutes later, I go in to get my jacket on, and find Nikolas has been experimenting with stepping into the dog’s water dish in his socks, and his feet were soaked! Really, it was cute. However, I had to rush him upstairs for a quick sock change and get out the door. This isn’t something we could have planned for...it just happened, and we deal with it. But putting socks on a 14 month old takes some good wrestling technique, and a few extra minutes.

This doesn’t make parenting easy or hard. It just annoys me when people who don’t have kids think it’s easy and if only a little planning went into your life, it would be a piece of cake. And when comments are made that we’re late for events, I just smile to myself and think “your time is coming buddy”.

Snow Job

Well, it’s official: winter has arrived in Edmonton. And winter doesn’t tip-toe through the door. She barges right in, interrupts anyone who may be having a good time, and decides that she is going to wreck the party with her bad behavior and snotty attitude. Wait…am I talking about myself?? No, really, winter sucks. I hate everything about it. I hate the cold, the snow, the ice, the shitty roads, being locked up inside for months at a time because I’m not into winter sports. I could go on and on.

Today, I should be productive at work. I mean, that’s why I’m here, right? Instead, I find myself feeling nostalgic for a time gone by. 2 years ago, around this time, we were planning our 3 week honeymoon to Thailand. We knew we’d be escaping this hell-hole for a brief respite and enjoying the best beaches (and food) in the world. I was shopping for bathing suits, flip-flops and sun screen. Today, I’m finding myself heading over to http://www.flickr.com/, and searching for Thailand beaches so that I can find a pretty photo for my computer desktop. Something that will remind me that warmer places do exist in this world. One day, we will be back. We won’t be alone next time, but we will be back.

Birthday Boy!

The past few weeks, I’ve been doing alot of reflecting on the past year, and really wondering where the time has gone. To think that a year ago, we were just beginning to adjust to this tiny little boy who we compared to an ewok – based only on the little noises he made, and now we are playing games and teaching him body parts.


Our conversations have gone from “but he ate only 2 hours ago...how can he be hungry again???” to “oh my god...look...he’s walking!” It has been such a ride of ups and downs, and in the beginning everyone would say it gets easier, and I’d get so frustrated, and say “When!? When does it get easier?!” But sure enough, as each month goes by, I think to myself, “this is the best age”. And it really does get easier. Or maybe now we’re just more confident in what we’re doing and let’s face it....we’re getting alot more sleep than we did in the beginning.

For Nikolas’ birthday, I wanted to keep the celebrations small and to include only some family and friends to join us. I wanted it to be simple and stress-free. And it was! It turned out to be the perfect day. I can’t believe how fast my little monkey is growing up!

Fall Fotos

MIA

Just about a month ago, my maternity leave ended and I went back to work 3 days a week. Life has once again undergone a big change and we’re trying to adjust to the new way things are.

I really made sure to take advantage of the last few weeks that I got to spend every day with Nikolas, and to not be woken up at 5:30 by an alarm clock...and hitting snooze just isn’t an option anymore.  Now that golf season is winding down, Matt is home in the mornings, so helps out with getting Nikolas up and out the door, which helps so much. But, it’s been a pretty big change in our lives and let’s face it, I’m now even more busy that I used to be.

Nikolas is doing great at his day home, despite the fact that he’s been sick for almost a month straight now. (Yayy germs!) He doesn’t cry when I drop him off and he’s always happy to see me at the end of the day when I pick him up.  The lady who watches him is great and she’s always amazed at what a good eater he is.

It’s nice being at work and spending some time in an adult environment. I’m enjoying having time to be me for a little bit before I return home and am inundated with a dog, a baby and a husband to take care of, supper to cook and try to fit in going to gym somewhere in there. But we’re adjusting and trying to find a groove that works well for us.

It’s only 4 more days until Nikolas turns ONE YEAR OLD. I can’t believe a year has gone by already and that our little boy is growing up so fast.  We’re just having a low-key BBQ for his birthday, but there’s still lots of planning and shopping that needs to get done by the weekend.

Snot Factory

This morning, I am running on empty. I’ve gone the all-night distance and the fuel gauge is reading well below “E”. But if it means that I am the one that provides my baby comfort in the night while he suffers from a horrible sinus cold, I’d do it again and again.

2 days ago, Nikolas developed a runny nose and one runny eye. I wasn’t sure if it was allergies or a cold coming on, because all fluids were clear, and I’ve heard that indicates allergies. Well, yesterday, it was proven that he has a full-blown cold. And I’m suffering from the worst guilt because while Nikolas needed his mommy and lots of snuggling, I was off caring for someone else’s children.  He did get to spend the day with his grandparents, who have an unlimited supply of hugs and cuddles and are always seeking my permission to hold him when he sleeps.

I picked him up in the afternoon after babysitting all day and brought him home for some extra loving. I must say the selfish part of me likes one aspect of Nikolas being sick: he needs to be snuggled.  It`s hard to get a snuggle with a little boy who is CONSTANTLY on the move. Usually, the only snuggle time we get is when I`m giving him his morning or bed time bottle.

So I was up for the most of the night, bringing Nikolas into bed with me and letting him sleep on my chest. It was the only position he seemed to be able to breathe in and fall into a deep sleep. This was something I was never comfortable doing when he was an infant, as I was so paranoid about him suffocating. But he usually sleeps on his stomach now, and his snoring as well as his  20-something pounds kept me awake for the most part, so I knew he was ok.

I love being that person that he will always have to give him snuggles and comfort, and to make homemade vegetable soup when he is feeling under the weather. It makes up for the lack of sleep.

One Year

Yesterday marked one year since I packed up my desk, said good-bye to my co-workers and left my career in I.T behind to start a new journey in parenthood. I have not had to go to work in an office in one year!

Being on maternity leave sure is not “time off”. I’ve worked longer, harder and with more dedication in the past year than I have in all my years in the job force put together. And the reward? While there is no financial gain in being on maternity leave – the Canadian government actually forces women on mat leave below the poverty line – the other rewards have been so amazing. We have the most beautiful, healthy, happy and most easy-going little boy on the planet. And he is happy. That boy is always smiling. If I leave the house, even just to take the garbage outside, when I return, my boy is so happy to see me, and it just melts my heart to see such a huge smile on his face.

Now, this week, I’m going to be leaving Nikolas at his day home for the first time. I don’t start work for a few weeks. Hell, it’s not even 100% confirmed that I have a job, but we’ve had to reserve a spot in a day home for Nikolas months in advance. And even though I’m not planning starting work until the end of September, we still have to pay for the whole month. So I figured, since we’re paying for the spot, we may as well start using it. Nikolas will get used to the idea of going to a different house 3 days a week, and the great thing is that there are 3 other boys similar in age that will be there on the same days.

I have such mixed feelings about this upcoming week. First of all, I can’t believe my year is over. It feels like just a few weeks ago, we were hanging out by the pool in Cuba, enjoying the hot sun, and thinking of going back to work wasn’t even on my radar. And now here we are.

Now I’m thinking of how life is just going to be so much busier with the hustle and bustle of coordinating 3 people’s schedules. I am only going back 3 days a week for now. It saddens me so much that on the days that I work, I will only get to see Nikolas for 2 hours in the evening before he goes to bed. I couldn’t imagine having to do that with a full time job!

On the other hand, I am looking forward to going back to work for a couple reasons. One of them being that I get to mix up my daily routine a bit, and I may even start to have some concept of time. Like what day of the week it is. The other one? The job I’m likely going to be doing is likely to be mundane. I’m okay with that. Because changing diapers all day is also mundane. I just need a different kind of mundane. Also, it’s going to make me appreciate the time I get to spend with Nikolas even more.

The Perfect Day

Yesterday was such an awesome day. It was one of those days that I’d foolishly fantasize about when I was pregnant and lovingly folding baby clothes and getting the nursery ready for the baby to arrive. It really was that good – relatively speaking. I mean, babies still cry sometimes and the dog still pisses me off on a daily basis. But it was as good as it could be, given the circumstances.

We had our normal daily routine, which I love. I LOVE LOVE LOVE our mornings. It could be because Nikolas normally naps around 2 hours, and it’s when I get my “me time” to laze about and chill-ax, or if I’m feeling especially ambitious, I enjoy a long hot shower and maybe, just maybe, shave my legs. Top AND bottom. We have lazy mornings around here. Nikolas gets up anywhere between 8:00 – 8:30, then we have one of very few snuggle times of the day on the couch wrapped up in a big fuzzy blanket while he has a bottle. Then it’s play time for him, coffee time for me, and within 1.5 hours, breakfast time. After which he promptly goes down for a nap.

We had no plans for the afternoon, so I thought it’d be nice to pack up the dog and head to the city to one of the off leash parks. I had a specific park in mind, but when we drove there, there were Road Closed signs leading up to it! I’m hoping they are just fixing the road, and that the whole park isn’t shut down! So, we turned around and went a little bit further to the Buena Vista off leash park, which is nestled in the river valley. And it’s the most amazing dog park – for a few reasons.

1. It’s stroller friendly

2. It’s freakin huge! There are tons of trails and trees. The dogs get to gallivant in the water. Keko had SUCH a great time.

3. It is my happy place. I love being in the river valley, hitting the trails and enjoying some fresh air. It used to be “my thing”. It’s what I did for fun on almost a daily basis when we lived in the city and had no animals or children that had to be brought along.

Needless to say, I’m going to try my hardest to get back there as much as possible before the season ends.

After enjoying the park for a good hour, I packed up the dog and the baby, and we made our way home. Nikolas quickly fell asleep – I only had to sing “You are my Sunshine” twice. I successfully got him into the house and into his crib where he continued to sleep for another hour while I relaxed on the front porch soaking up the sunshine.

We had more fun as we headed out after supper to pick up a few things at the grocery store where Nikolas did NOT pull any produce off the shelves, specifically blueberries. I learned my lesson last week not to leave the shopping cart within arms’ reach of anything.

Matt came home just in time to put Nikolas to bed while I poured myself a vodka and cranberry pop and put my feet up for the rest of the evening.

This may not sound so perfect or exciting to my friends who have no kids. But trust me, it was a perfect day.

The Kid Does Not Know What He’s in For!

For those of you who personally know me, you know that I’m a pretty laid back mom. I don’t freak out over every little bruise and scrape. I let Nikolas experiment with all sorts of different stuff as long as it’s generally safe. And I even let him summersault once or twice down the stairs before catching him.

Okay, who am I kidding? I’ve never moved so fast in my life as when I saw him falling down the stairs this morning. I grabbed his arm (or maybe it was a leg) mid-summersault as he was falling end over end like a rag doll. But, he was not hurt. We were both a little shaken up, and continued on with our day. Drama-free, just as I like it.

And most of all, I harass my kid as much as I can. Why? Because I’m the mom, of course! After all a parent goes through, if you don’t come out the other side with a wicked sense of humour, sweetie, you are fucked.

Recently, I’ve made a point of not putting shoes on Nikolas if we are going out and I am not anticipating him crawling anywhere and dragging the tops of his feet along some dirty floor or grass in the playground. If it’s nice enough, he goes barefoot, just like his mama.

Lately, it has been a little chilly here, so it’s just been socks for him. While I’m driving, I can see him in the rear view mirror yanking and tugging on his socks until at least one of them is off, and he’ll chew on his foot. It really is funny to watch this unfold.

So tonight, we all went grocery shopping – yes, Matt was actually home to join us – and on the way home, Nikolas was grunting and getting super frustrated because he could not get his socks off. Matt and I were both giggling in the front seat, amused by this. Matt had to pull over on the side of the road to grab a snack from the grocery bags. He was just that hungry that he couldn’t wait another 10 minutes to get home. So, while he was rooting around in the back, I hopped out and went to help Nikolas get his socks off. What a look of relief that came over his face! But then, (THEN!!) I took the socks and put each one on each of his hands, shut his door and hopped back into the front seat.

We got to spend the next few minutes laughing hysterically while our poor boy struggled and fought to get those socks off his hands! And when it comes to being frustrated, the boy is JUST LIKE HIS MAMA. He flailed his hands about, screaming and moaning like it was the end of the world.

Really, this boy is in for a world of being teased as he grows up. And I can’t wait.

Table for Two

Tonight, for the first time, Nikolas and I ate dinner together. I got to eat my food at the same time that he ate his! Everything I served him he was able to pick up and eat all by himself. It was so nice to sit down and enjoy a meal with my boy. Not before, not after, but at the same time. He had chicken breasts, steamed carrots infused with dill and tortellini (no sauce). He obviously liked the chicken and tortellini a lot more than the carrots, as he always ate those first and would ignore the carrots.

I also found out tonight just how much that boy is capable of eating! I set aside quite a bit of food for him, thinking that I’d just eat whatever was left over. I would put a little on his table at a time, and he would keep eating and eating and so I'd just kept putting more and more on until he showed me he was no longer hungry. How did he do this? Well, I kinda figured it out when he’d grab a piece of food and just casually hang his hand over the side of his chair and drop it for the dog! But really, I was surprised at how much he ate. Maybe it’s time to start increasing portion sizes??

It’s so awesome to finally be able to cook a meal and sit down and enjoy it. When Nikolas was first born, there was no such thing. There was never any time for cooking when he was so little and so demanding of me. I remember being so frustrated when he was only about 3 weeks old. I was trying to cook hash browns - nothing too complicated - but he would scream as soon as I tried to put him in his swing. I got so angry because I was so hungry and just wanted some food that was cooked and not warmed up in the microwave. Then a few months later, I’d finally be able to escape to the kitchen and cook, but then Matt and I would eat in shifts while also keeping Nikolas entertained.

As Nikolas is eating more and more “grown up” food, I am doing my best to ensure that he eats only healthy nutrient-dense food and really limit the amount of processed food he eats. He does occasionally get the odd treat of a few spoons of ice cream, or a bite from a cupcake, but for the most part, he eats pretty damn healthy. I am going to start eating the same way, and try to stop eating all the convenient crap that ends up in my house. I want to make an effort to cook more healthy meals for the whole family so that Nikolas has a good role model to follow and has healthy eating habits as he grows up.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 15

Half way there! Slowly but surely wins the race...

So today was a really good day, and here are the things I am grateful for:

1. That Nikolas sleeps for 11-12 hours at night. I have a friend who has a son just a couple weeks younger who is still up several times a night. I really feel for her. I'd be such a raging bitch if I hadn't had one full night of sleep in over 10 months.

2) Long morning naps. For Nikolas, of course. During his nap this morning, I got my kitchen floor washed, plucked my eyebrows AND curled my hair.

3) Choosing to go to Superstore over Der Mart (I mean Wal Mart) to stock up on baby food. It actually wasn't that bad for a Saturday afternoon and no strangers earned the stink eye from moi.

4) I'm adding a fourth just for shits & giggles. I totally forgot to express my gratitude a few weeks ago when we officially finished the last can of formula and made the switch over to homo milk! That shit is expensive!!!


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 14

Today, I am grateful for:

1. My monthly massage.
2. Cute rubber boots
3. My boy who wants to copy mama while she is dusting. Makes me wonder what chore to show him next!


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 13

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Movie night with the girls
2. Eat Pray Love
3. Hand puppets!


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 12

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Visits with a friend who has a baby very similar in age to Nikolas.
2. Being out of the house for most of the day.
3. Nikolas didn't torture me despite an interrupted afternoon nap.

House Bound

For the past little while -- I can’t even begin to guess how long, because there is no sense of time in maternity-leave land –- Nikolas has settled into a 2-nap-a-day routine. His first nap occurs about 2 hours after he gets up in the morning, and he sleeps for roughly 2 hours. Then he has an afternoon nap, and it can happen anytime from right after lunch at 1:00, or as late as 3:00 or 4:00. This nap is shorter, usually an hour or so.

I think back to when he was only 4 or 5 months old, and I was struggling so hard to get him to nap at all. It was so difficult, I’m pretty sure it’s what drove me into my downward spiral to the rock bottom of my depression. So don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled that he sleeps during the day. However, it keeps me house bound.

Mornings are strictly for at home. Get up, give him a bottle, let him play for awhile, then breakfast, and nap. Then depending on how long his nap is, he’ll usually play some more until lunch time. Earlier this week I thought I’d try to go for a run right after breakfast, and he could sleep in his stoller. So I got him strapped in, got myself and the dog ready to hit the trails, and Nikolas didn’t fall asleep until we were on our way home, and it only lasted about 20 minutes. (Lesson learned: I suffered for the rest of the day right up until his bed time).

So, if I’m lucky, I can plan to leave the house immediately after lunch, unless he’s showing he’s ready for another nap.....ughhhhhh!

I can no longer plan anything with anybody, especially if they also have a baby, who also needs to nap! If I have errands to run, or groceries to pick up, I can plan to do only one thing per outing. And the whole time I’m watching Nikolas very carefully for signs that it’s time to get home RIGHT NOW because I don’t want him to fall asleep on the way home...because then he won’t sleep when we get home! Arrrrgghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I’d love to start taking classes at the gym, or attend baby aqua-size, but nothing is scheduled for right after lunch.

We’re nearing the end of summer – gasp – and I feel like I haven’t had many chances to really enjoy it. Every outing is about getting something accomplished...run errands, take the dog out, etc. It’s never just about having fun. And the fun we have is alone, because it’s been so difficult to make plans with anybody else. I’ve been feeling really isolated and lonely, and Matt is still working crazy hours at the golf course, so he usually comes home in time for Nikolas to go to bed, or he's already there.

It’s getting to the point now where I am actually looking forward to going back to work a few days a week, just so I can get out of the house.

Do any SAHM’s have any advice for me? How do I handle this??

My First Wordless Wednesday: Trouble!

I Love it When...

You imitate sounds like water draining from the bathtub. Gllllaagggllhhhhh.


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A Boy’s Best Friend

Today I realized that in time that I’ve been writing, I don’t think I’ve mentioned one important part of our little family: Keko.

Keko has been such a trooper since Nikolas came along, going through weeks of attention-neglect, days where I’ve forgotten to feed him and through it all, he is the best dog a person could ask for.

For those of you who don’t know Keko’s story, we got him from S.C.A.R.S (Second Chance Animal Rescue Society) in March of 2009. He was found wandering on the side of the road on an Indian reservation up in Northern Alberta, and was picked up by a volunteer. He had bad scarring across his shoulders which indicated that he was once a sled dog. To this day, he still has the scars, but the fur around them had grown back and they are barely noticeable anymore.

I was just a couple months pregnant, and we had been waiting so long to buy a house so that we could get a dog. I had just recently given up my cat that I’d had for about 15 years, and the house was feeling empty without a pet. We knew it was time for our dog.

The weekend that I brought Keko home, Matt was in BC on a snowboarding trip, and hadn’t even met the dog. I went to the foster home where Keko had been living with a family for about 5 months to meet him, and I swear he did everything in his power to make me not like him. When I walked up to the house he was living at, I was greeted by a menacing barking dog with scary eyes chained up in the front yard. I took him for a walk by myself, and he was such a jerk. He kept jumping up on me, trying to rip the leash out of my hand and he pulled like crazy...which made sense, since his job used to be to pull. Once back at the house, I saw how he interacted with the family, and figured that despite his rough edges, I’d give him a chance.

A year and a half later, he’s still with us, and what improvements he’s made since coming home! We had to break alot of bad habits and even took him to obedience lessons. I really wanted to have him settled in with us before Nikolas came along so that he knew what part he played in our family. He was my sidekick for all of last summer and we spent many hot summer days at the dog park. He’d run like the wind and I’d waddle like a penguin.

I was of course nervous about how he’d act around little kids, but there were several incidents at the park where I’d see him get between other dogs and the kids to protect them. He’d even taken down a great dane that was barrelling straight towards a 2 yr old. What a proud mama I was that day!

I must say now how happy I am that Keko is Nikolas’ protector, and more recently, best bud. Who wouldn’t want to be best friends with someone who drops treats from the high chair?

He has shown such patience with being neglected by us for attention (and occasionally food) and doesn’t really react when Nikolas slaps him, rips out fist-fulls of fur, or constantly tries to grab his weiner. He is so gentle and is even starting to roll onto his back when Nikolas is showering him with attention.

The down side of Keko being such a great protector? I will never be able to beat my kids. The other night, I was goofing around, and lightly snapping a tea-towel at Nikolas. Keko was so not impressed and made it known. The growling and snapping at me really surprised me. Guess I’ll have to find some other kinds of discipline for the future....

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

Today I am grateful for:
1. Spending a leisurely morning alone.
2. Brunch with family.
3. Bike rides! (my first time riding today since before I was pregnant)


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Grandparents to who call us over for their "Nikolas fix".
2. Afternoon naps.
3. Spending the evening wandering Whyte Ave with my two favorite guys.

I Owe, I Owe, It’s Back to Work I Go...

  
Oh. My. God.

Only 6 weeks of maternity leave left. Where has the time gone? It seems like the kids were just let out of school for summer holidays yesterday. I had a whole summer ahead of me to enjoy. Now, the stores are filled with Back-to-School supplies and some days I feel like fall is in the air. And now I’m dreading going back to work, and really enjoying all the spare time I have right now.

Just yesterday, I was home all day with Nikolas and after his afternoon nap, I found myself feeling BORED. I just didn’t know what to do to entertain him anymore. We had gone for our daily walk with the dog, I didn’t have to go into the city to do any shopping, we didn’t have any play dates. I was looking for any excuse to leave the house. But I had no where to go! Sure, I had lots of stuff to do, but alot of it had to be done when he was sleeping, and a person can only clean their house so much. I know that in a few months I’ll be looking back on my maternity leave and think to myself how nice it was to have so much free time!

Thankfully, I’m only going back to work part time. I’ve told my current employer (who hired me when I was already pregnant, so I only worked for them for 6 months) that I’m not interested in continuing on in my career in I.T, and that I’d just like to do some administrative type of work. Nothing to heavy. Just something I can do 3 days a week so I can help out with mortgage payments. And I really really do not want to work 5 days a week, never get to spend quality time with my son and be crazy busy every day running around doing errands and endless work around the house. I am willing to sacrifice the awesome salary I used to bring home so I can be here for Nikolas. This is where I belong. Also, I have a couple ventures on the side I'm working on.

Unfortunately, my current employer was unable to come up with any kind of work for me, so once my maternity leave is over, my employment with them is terminated. They were really good about it, and keeping me employed until September is awesome, so that I can still have my health benefits. Someone has to pay for my monthly massage; I sure as hell can’t afford it!

So, I’ve approached a former employer. A company that terminated my position while I was on my honeymoon. They were negatively affected by the downturn in the economy, and since my role was not a necessity to the company, it was slashed. I don’t blame them at all for it. They are probably the best company I have worked for, and I’ve always stayed in touch with them. The ladies there even threw a baby shower for Nikolas....more than a year after I had left! If that isn’t awesome, I don’t know what is. So they’ve known for a few months that they were my “Plan B” and I’ve recently been in touch to let them know that I now need them to help me out with a job. There just happens to be a job available that fits my needs and is extremely flexible, so now I’m just waiting to find out if it’s a go. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I even have a day home lined up already, which is a huge relief, being that finding quality childcare here in Beaumont is a challenge. Now, I’m worrying about how I will get Nikolas onto a schedule where both he and I have to be ready and out the door for 7:15 am when we don’t usually don’t get out of bed until 8:30-ish. It’s going to be a struggle for sure. It will be easy once golf season is over and Matt will be home in the mornings. But the first few weeks are going to be a struggle for sure.

In the mean time, I'm going to try to do as much fun stuff as possible and enjoy the rest of the summer with my little man!

Hope Suckers

Wow, I was on a great role in June with posting and in July it came to a crashing halt. It's amazing how much positive feedback I get from writing this blog, and then WHAM! One bad remark can halt me in my tracks and even make me think that I shouldn't be doing this at all.

I have comments open here so that readers of this blog can connect with me and share their experiences in parenthood. Each time I publish a post, I add a link to my Facebook page, which I have decided to stop doing. I figure If people really want to follow my blog, they will. And if they want to leave nasty comments, they can do so here without berating me publicly in front of all my friends on Facebook.

It's sad though, that this one person had to go and spoil this experience for me. This one person who is supposed to be one of my top supporters and has now turned their back on me and refuses to talk to me because I opened up and shared my true feelings about how I'd like to be treated.

One very good lesson I've recently learned is that you cannot control how people treat you, but you can control how you react to them. My feeling go between being hurt and being really pissed off. You just don't treat people that you love that way. If they ask for love, show it. Don't with hold it as punishment for being honest.



Anyway, onto more positive things. My baby is almost 10 months old! Where in the hell has the time gone? Since the end of June, it's just been a whirlwhind around here as he gains more independance and wants to DISCOVER EVERYTHING! Nothing in the house below hip-height is safe. I've told Matt that I anticipate Nikolas to be walking by the end of August. He's crawling like a mad-man and holding onto furntiture & walls while walking. Yesterday, he let go of the couch for the first time, and realized he was standing by himself. He got so excited that he started flailing his arms around and giggling and then.......he promptly fell on his bum.



I recently read something about a baby's determination that is so true. While babies develop, they have to repeat an action over and over (and over and over) again to perfect it. Walking, for example. A baby will fall hundreds of times before he or she takes those first amazing steps. They don't give up after a couple times because they do not immediately master a new skill. They just get back up and try again! Wouldn't it be great if we could all follow that example and just keep on trying even if we fail at first? We don't have to be perfect at something the first time we try it. Maybe that's why some people go on to have more than one child!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 9

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Family walks after dinner


2. Days at home with no where to go

3. Baby laughter

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 8

This morning, I am grateful for:

1. My in-laws who let Nikolas have a sleep-over last night.

2. 8 hours of consecutive sleep.

3. Being able to have a long shower, shave my legs & do so without having to sing "alice the
camel" or play peek-a-boo around the shower curtain.


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 7

Today I am grateful for:

1. Friends with privelages to shop at wholesale salon supply stores. (Thanks Jill!)

2. Fresh BC cherries

3. Having time to spend on my glass mosaic project. Project #2 is complete! Photos & details to come soon.


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Out of the Dark, Into the Light

Today I had such a joyful experience with Nikolas. I wish that me 4 months ago could have seen into the future to see me today.

I really have slipped into this role of "mommy" and there isn't a day that goes by where I am not amazed by my baby and what he is teaching me. I am loving every minute. Every mundane minute. Because soon, I know life will be different. Again. My maternity leave ends in September, and I am making sure that I treasure every moment that I get to spend with Nikolas. Even though I only plan to work 3 days a week, I just don't want to go back at all.

Today I took Nikolas on a big shopping trip to Superstore. And it was such a contrast to a shopping trip we made when he was only about 4 months old. It was the week from hell, and the week when I really hit bottom with my depression.

I had quite a long list of things to buy, and since I was still carrying Nikolas around in his car seat, I had high hopes that I could just set him and his car seat into the shopping cart and that he'd sleep. Unfortunately for me, it didn't go that way at all. For the entire time I was in the store, he was crying. And screaming. And crying some more. I'd given him a bottle, he had a clean diaper, all he needed to do was close his eyes and go to sleep. I was trying to get through the store and find everything that was on my list. But Superstore had to go and redesign the entire layout of their store, and it was now impossible to find ANYTHING. Mix that with an exhausted mother, a screaming baby, and it's a recipe for disaster. Comments about my crying baby from complete strangers did not help at all. Yes, I can see my baby is crying. What the fuck do you want me to do about it??? Someone in our house has to buy the groceries! And that someone now has a permanent sidekick!! Why do strangers have to butt in and give their opinions about why they think my baby is crying? Do they really think they are helping?

There were moments where I was barely hanging on. Just choking back the tears. All I wanted to do was sit on the floor, bury my face in my hands and surrender to the tears. I somehow managed to get most of the items on my grocery list. Some things were just impossible to find and I was quickly losing the battle of keeping it together.

When I finallly made it to the checkout, Nikolas FINALLY decided to give in and fell asleep. I bagged my groceries, zipped up my jacket and headed for the exit. On the way out, I was stopped by a store employee who just had to see my cute little baby. "Oh my! Look at how cute he is!" Just as the poor woman was about to reach out to touch Nikolas, I lost it on her. "Do not touch my baby! He JUST fell asleep! Have you not heard him screaming for the past hour in here?" All the while, waving my hands in the air like a crazy woman. The lady quickly backed away, obviously scared of this out of control mother with the out of control hair. (I like to call it "new mommy hair").

It wasn't until I was on the freeway, half way home that I realized that in my state of I'm-about-to-lose-my-fucking-mind I had forgotten to buckle up the straps in Nikolas' car seat. He was loosely sitting in his seat, fast asleep, oblivious to the danger I had put him in. I immediately pulled over on the side of the road, climbed into the back seat, buckled him in and broke down. What an awful mother I was. I knew I had just blown my chance at the Mother-of-the-Year award. I put my baby's life at risk. Who was I to think that I could do this whole parenthood thing? Somehow, through the good 15 minutes of all-out bawling in the backseat of my truck, Nikolas did not wake up at all.

I found a discarded napkin on the floor of the backseat, wiped away my tears and the snot, and got back behind the wheel. I cannot even begin the explain the amount of guilt I felt all the way home. The rest of the drive thinking "what if...".

Flash forward to today.

5 minutes before we arrived at the same store, Nikolas had fallen alseep. I no longer take his car seat out (those things are super heavy) so putthing him and his car seat in the shopping cart was no longer an option. Luckily, my schedule was pretty flexible today, so I just sat in the truck for 1/2 hour, reading while he had a little cat nap. Once he woke up, I got him loaded up and into a shopping cart and off we went.

He is so much fun to shop with now, because he wants to investigate everything. Any packaging that makes any crinkly sounds, or any boxes that can be shaken to make noise are easy ways to make him happy. We spent almost 2 hours shopping today, and not once did he make a fuss. He had my purse to chew on, and he was so content. We'd play and laugh and I'd make faces at him as we made our way down the aisles. I was even caught singing along to the music that was playing over the store speakers. How could you NOT sing along to the Beastie Boys??

All along, I kept thinking back to that dark day when all I wanted to do was cry my heart out in that store. Today, my heart is so full of love and joy and I am so glad that I've been able to come away from that dark place and I love what I've become: Mommy.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 6

Ok, it's true. I am almost a week behind in posting my gratitude. Today should actually be day 11. There was almost a post a few nights ago, when I was laying in bed with my iPhone and posting 6 things I was grateful for, because at that time, I was only 1 day behind. Just as I was finishing my post, I dropped my phone, and my whole post got wiped out! So much for saving as I work. It was late, I was tired, so instead of rewriting my post, I said screw it, and went to sleep.

So here we are. There is one important lesson that I've learned from being a mother: it's almost impossible to get something done from start to finish in the original time period you've given yourself. Something always comes up or gets in the way. I so easily lose focus nowadays because I have so much on the go and I'm multi-tasking like crazy. A year ago, it would have driven me crazy. Now, I just take it in stride.I don't start anything that can't be worked on in bits and pieces. To take even an hour to dedicate to one task is a rarity. Except for sleep. I can manage to do that for hours at a time!

I digress...

So today I go back to day 6.

Today, I am grateful for:

1. Being able to witness the incredible development in Nikolas in the past couple of weeks. It is amazing to see him do new things daily. It is so hard to keep up!

2. My Chi hair straightener.

3. The summer session of my PPD support group starting up. It felt like a long two weeks since the spring session ended and I missed those girls!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 5

Today I am grateful for:

1. having nothing scheduled. Teething made for a good day at home.
2. being able to provide comfort and lots of extra snuggling to my baby.
3. my mother-in-law who came by so I could take my dog to the park.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 4

Today I am grateful for:

1. Children's Advil
2. Frozen teething rings
3. Time spent at the spray park with some new friends


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 3

Today I am grateful for:

1. Sleeping in until 10:30. First time since Nikolas was born. I will never take sleeping in for granted again.
2. Grocery shopping with no crying.
3. Nikolas waited until we got home to let loose a major poop explosion. THANK GOD he didn't do that at the store..I didn't even pack a diaper bag.

Mile-a-Minute Milestones

The past week with Nikolas has been such an adventure.

Last week, on Father's Day, I noticed that there was a tooth poking out! I hadn't noticed any of the typical signs of teething...nothing out of the ordinary, anyways. Nikolas is always chewing on everything, and drooling is pretty typical.So when he grabbed hold of my finger and started chomping on it, I was surprised to feel a little nubbin in there! Finally! A tooth has arrived!

Then Monday arrived. And our lives were forever changed. Nikolas officially started crawling. And he quickly figured out to get where he wanted to go. Fast. Honestly, I thought we'd have more time to prepare. It hasn't been that long that he's been trying to propel himself from sitting to being on all fours. And there would usually be a leg stuck or in the way somehow. So when he suddenly figured it out, he realized that he now had freedom. And now he could go anywhere he wanted!



I'd like to know why babies are attracted to the stuff they should not be touching, chewing, or eating. He is so interested in the TV stand, and all the boxes with blinking lights on them. Who wouldn't be? And don't forget about the dog's water and food dishes. I can't keep him away from them! On Wednesday, I was vaccuming, and when I turned around, I found Nikolas chewing on the cord! I wonder if his Baba told him a story about the time she did that, and the cord blew up in her mouth?

Most of my day is now spent shouting "Nikolas, NO!" and relocating him to a safe place with new distractions. I've reorganized all the lower cupboards in my kitchen and have created a baby-safe cupboard for him to play in. I've put padding all around the glass shelves of the TV stand. We were obviously not thinking about babies when we made that purchase! All plug-ins within his reach have been baby proofed. I still have to install the gate I bought for the top of the stairs. But this morning I realized I'll soon need one for the bottom of the stairs as well...he's trying to climb them already!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 2

Today I am grateful for:

1. Warm, sunny days
2. Long walks with my baby & dog
3. Baby-proof padding that covers the edges and corners of the square glass tv stand. We sure weren't thinking of babies when we made that purchase!


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 1

This is a neat project idea I got from a friend on FaceBook. The goal of this project is to write down 3 things I am grateful for, 30 days in a row.

Today I am grateful for:

1. A loving husband who understands me and supports me no matter what
2. A beautiful son who is happy and healthy
3. Supportive friends who let me know that I am not alone

In Case You’ve Been Wondering....

Yes, I am still depressed. I just don’t talk about it. I’ve been medicated, and even though all the really terrible thoughts and feelings have gone away, I still have sadness about me some days. In April, I joined a support group through the Millwoods Family Resource Centre in Edmonton called Managing Motherhood. We meet every Monday and it’s been an awesome way to connect with other moms who suffer from PPD and to learn tools and strategies for dealing with depression. The group is facilitated by a couple of wonderful women and each week we cover different topics such as communication skills, anger management, setting boundaries, and resources available to us.

This past Monday was our last get together for the spring session, and it was this week that I had a wake up call. The support group was the only time and place where I acknowledged that I suffered from depression, but I still wasn’t talking about it. Up until this week, I’ve been feeling like I have less depression and more  CBS: Cranky Bitch Syndrome. Some days I’d leave the group feeling like a fraud. After hearing the stories of the other moms, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be part of the group, because what they go through is far worse than what I do. I really felt like I had this whole depression thing tackled, when in reality, I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I’ve been letting the drugs do their work, but I haven’t been doing mine.

There is one particular mom in the group who I feel has a lot in common with me, and I could relate alot to what she goes through. Recently, she’s had a positive energy about her, and you could tell just by looking at her that she was doing good. She even announced that she was trying to get closer to her husband again.

Her accomplishments made me really aware that I haven’t been doing anything to help myself get better. I’d leave the group each Monday with a new sheet of paper with tips for things to think about and work on. The paper would just get filed into the folder they gave us at the beginning of the group and be forgotten. I never discussed anything with anybody. Everything has been internalized, and buried. This is what I do. The other night, Matt saw one of the papers on the table from this week about Productive Arguments. He asked where it came from. As I picked it up from the table and stuffed it into my file folder, I just told him it’s from support group, and that I don’t tell him about it because he doesn’t ask. Wow. Talk about transferring blame and not taking responsibility.

I don’t have the negative thoughts about what a terrible mother I am. Now I know what a terrible wife and best friend I’ve become to my husband.

Ever since we’ve gotten back from Cuba, I’ve harboured this anger and resentment towards him. (yes, this also coincides with the start of golf season). I’ve completely shut myself off and have pushed him away. Every day this week since I’ve realized what I’ve been doing, I’ve planned to talk to Matt about this once Nikolas goes to bed. And it just never happens. I can’t bring myself to open up and talk about what’s going on. I go on, letting my husband think that I no longer love him and want nothing to do with him. He’s actually told me that he knows I hate him.

How could I have become so self absorbed in my own pity party that I didn’t care how my actions were affecting him? I’m feeling tremendous guilt and sadness over this and now I just don’t know how to make it better.

Happy Father's Day

The first time I brought Matt to visit my bestest of friends and their young children in Calgary way back in 2003, I knew he was going to be my baby daddy. I even told this to my bff, and she completely agreed. This was a pretty big milestone for me, considering that up until I met Matthew, I had absolutely no plans on having kids.

But after being with Matthew, I quickly learned the importance of family. Father’s Day had always been a sore spot for me growing up, because it wasn’t until I reached my early 20’s did I have a solid father figure in my life. I remember being in Grade 3, and it was the Friday before Father’s Day, and we were to make a handmade card for our Dad. I was so stressed out. Do I make one card? Do I make 2 cards? 3 cards? At the time, there was no solid Father figure in my life. I didn’t know what to do. So, I told my teacher that I didn’t have a Dad. And I didn’t make any cards that year. I had completely forgotten about that until last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and remembered that I had to write in the Father’s Day card that I bought for Matt. Isn’t it so strange how memories just come back to us like that, in the middle of the night, from out of nowhere?

I digress.

This day is special, because it is for celebrating the men in our lives: fathers, husbands, grandfathers. Any man who has shared in the adventure of parenthood. And what an adventure it is. Only after having a baby do I have the upmost respect for those parents out there who are doing it alone. The strength and courage it must take. I could not imagine doing this by myself. When Nikolas was first born, Matt took 3 weeks off work to be with us. We quickly figured out a schedule and routine that would maximize sleep time for me in between nursing (haha..what a joke...sleep??? Ya right!) and I would never have survived those first few weeks alone. The night before Matt was to go back to work, I had a complete melt down. How on earth was I going to handle this new born baby alone for 8 hours? I was terrified.

Nikolas doesn’t know it yet, but he really has the best Daddy in the world.

MaaaaaMaaaMaa

He finally did it! Nikolas is saying “maaa maaa maamaa”!! Okay, there may be a few “naaa naaa naaa’s” in there, but I’ll take it! And just in time for Father’s Day too! I had set this deadline for Nikolas simply because of the fact that the day before Mother’s Day, Nikolas had spent the night with his grandparents, and when I arrived to pick him up, he was sitting on the floor happily saying “daa daaa daaa”. How happy he made mama!

However, given the fact that it was the DAY BEFORE MOTHER’S DAY, I was a little disgruntled. So, I put Nikolas up to the challenge. Really, it was an ultimatum. I said “Nikolas, you better be saying Mama in time for Father’s Day, or I’ll be adding another 2 weeks to the grounding tally we have going on for you, and at this rate, you won’t be going anywhere until your 27”.


He took me seriously this time. And this week, he’s now saying “maaa maaa naaaa maa maa naaa naaaaaaa”.


I love my boy!

I Love It When...

I am woken up by the sound of Nikolas happily playing in his crib. It's a much better sound than a crying baby!


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So I'm currently sitting in the parking lot of a Wendy's, scarfing down a burger & fries. And it's quiet. This is how motherhood has changed me. I have never been shy to eat alone in restaurants, and in fact used to enjoy my "me" time with a nice meal & a good book. Now, when I'm out & about, and hunger strikes, I head to a drive through because Nikolas is with me, and usualy asleep in the back seat. And you know that you must NEVER EVER wake a sleeping baby. It goes against all rules of nature.

The nice thing is, I can actually take my time to eat. And maybe even write. Yes, this is what I've become. And you know what? I'm okay with that. Now if only the "healthy" restaurants like Booster Juice or Pita Pit had drive through.


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“The Boy” Can Sit!

Nikolas mastered a brand new skill yesterday. And he’s loving it. He practices all the time. Even when he should be sleeping. The Boy can sit up on his own! I haven’t actually witnessed the event, but last night, after I put Nikolas down for the night, he took a long time to get to sleep and was crying. This was unusual, and he always goes down really well at night and never cries. So, after about 10 minutes of letting him cry, I went up to check on him, and found him sitting up in his crib!

He saw me come in, and looked up at me, and has this look on his face that said “Look mama! Look at me!” and at the same time, the look on his face also said “How do I lie down again? I just want to go to sleep already!” It was pure happiness mixed with a little desperation because he wasn’t sure how to get himself out of this mess. My reaction was a little similar. I felt absolute pride and was so happy, then immediately thought “oh shit, we’re in trouble now”. After quick congratulations, I cuddled him for a bit until he fell asleep. It’s been awhile since I’ve rocked my baby to sleep, and I cherished every minute of it.

Today, he got even more practice. He sat up this morning while playing in the living room. I missed it again, because I was checking my email. Then, each nap today (all three), several times I had to go back up to his room, and each time, he’s sitting in his crib, his left thumb in his mouth, his right thumb tugging on his right ear.

During his afternoon nap, I actually stayed in his room and watched him. He didn’t know I was there, I was just sitting on the floor at the end of his crib, watching, very quietly. He was sitting up at the other end of the crib, facing away from me. His legs were hanging over the mattress, and outside the bars and he was happily kicking away. Then he noticed that he was sitting RIGHT UNDER THE MOBILE. He stretched and stretched and wiggled ever so slightly, and just BARELY was able to reach one of the jungle animals. Every so often, he’d lose his balance a little bit, and bonk his head against the railing of the crib. He’d cry out for 5 seconds, realize I wasn’t rushing up to check on him, and continued the attempt to REACH THAT CROCODILE.

After a couple more futile attempts, he gave up and remembered he was tired! How was he going to sleep sitting up? The rail of the crib must have looked like a good place to rest his head, because he’d lean forward, put his head down, and immediately started to cry because he discovered this was not the most comfortable way to sleep. He even tried putting his forearm under his head to provide cushion. Still, it just was not working out for him.

The whole time this was happening, I was sitting quietly, watching every moment. And it took every ounce of my being not to giggle. Nikolas was just trying so hard! I only let the torture go on for a short time (ok, more like 10 minutes) before I decided I’d come to my boy’s rescue and rock him to sleep.

As soon as Matt walked in the door form work, I got him to lower the mattress in the crib, and remove the mobile.

Coming soon: the crawl position. He’s so close.

I Love It When...

Nikolas holds his bottle all by himself! Now Mama can blog in bed with TWO hands!



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Insomnia

Now that Nikolas has been sleeping through the night on a regular basis, the nights that I actually have to get out of bed before 7:30 am are few and far between. It also helps that Matt still takes baby duty every other night & Nikolas seems to sense that & Matt rarely gets a full night without having to get up with him. And isn't it funny how on the night that Matt asks me to take on baby duty, that Nikolas wakes up at 1:00 am crying, and won't go back to sleep.

It's not that I mind getting up to cuddle, feed, change a diaper, cuddle some more. It's not that bad because I'm no longer doing it 6 times it even 2 times a night anymore.

The part that really sucks is that I can't go back to sleep for hours afterward!!!!!


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I Don't Love It When...

The little fucker pinches me! Where do babies learn to do that?!


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I Love It When...

I can put Nikolas down for a nap, and he goes to sleep all by himself with no tears!


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Location:49 St,Beaumont,Canada

Want It

After being stuck in the house all winter with a newborn baby, I was so looking forward to summer, and the warm weather activities that we could do with Nikolas. One of these activities included taking him on bike rides. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love being on my bike. I'm the type of girl who looks forward to that first ride in the spring; the ride where the ultimate goal is to find puddles and mud and dirt and get as dirty as possible, and have as much fun as I can while doing it.

In 2 years, I've been on my bike a total of 1 time. That was last summer, and by then I was so pregnant, my legs were hitting my belly as I peddled.

Much to my disapointment, I discovered that kids cannot ride on bicycles, or any bicycle accessory (carriers, mounted seats) until they are at least 1 year old. The reason for this is that the child needs to be able to sit well and carry the weight of a helmet on his or her head. I guess bike-riding with Nikolas will have to wait until next summer.

I came across this product, and it looks really cool! The iBert safe-T-seat was designed by a Mom for kids ages one to four, it allows for better interaction than trailers and other seats.

Snotty Baby

I Don't Love it When....

I take my antidepressants sporadically. I am one mean bitch right now.

I love it when...

Nikolas sleeps through the night. With the exception of one night in the past week, he's been sleeping right through the night. There is the odd time he wakes up, cries for a minute, then goes back to sleep all by himself. I'm feeling spoiled right now.

Cuba

It’s been well over a month since we’ve returned from our week-long trip to Cuba. I’ve been avoiding writing about it, because I’ve needed time to reflect on the experience, and to let the disappointment fade away. Unfortunately, it hasn’t, and I’m still left with a bitter taste in my mouth. While I’m glad that we were able to go on a vacation away from the nasty cold Canadian spring, it was made very clear to me during the trip what roles exist in our little family. My intention here is not to air my dirty laundry, or to complain about the current state of my marriage. But when one parent acts like a vacation is also a vacation from being a parent, it puts alot of pressure on the other parent who has to pick up the slack. That is all I’m going to say about that issue.

Nikolas did great on the entire trip. I was pleasantly surprised how well he did and how adaptable that little guy is. Sure, he had his moments on the plane where he’d cry and fuss, but it was only because he was tired, and if handled in a timely manner (i.e. not letting him jump up and down like a monkey after he has made it perfectly clear that he’s tired) we could get him settled and sleeping for most of the trip. I made sure to have a bottle ready to take off, and each time we descended he was sleeping, and the changes in air pressure did not seem to affect him.

The resort we stayed at was absolutely huge. Luckily, our building was close to the “quiet” pool, where we spent most of our time. Once settled into our room, we quickly discovered the things we’d need to improvise on to handle our day-to-day tasks of having a baby:

1. I forgot to pack the brush we use for cleaning bottle nipples. Improvisation: wrapping a dish cloth around the end of a q-tip or toothbrush.
    
2. The sink in the bathroom didn’t have a plug. Improvisation: Take all the wipes out of a large wipes container and store them in a zip lock bag (any parent knows to pack lots of extras of these) and use the container as a mini sink.
    
3. The power converter/adaptor did not allow for 3-pronged electrical appliances, specifically, the kettle I packed to boil water. Improvisation: Trust that the bottled water provided by the resort would not cause my baby to ingest too much bacteria, or anything that would make him sick.

I’d have to say that having a baby with us really helped with getting excellent service from the resort staff. You get to know the staff quickly, as you see them day in and day out. And it’s amazing how far being nice to them will get you.

Because we were there for Matt’s brother’s wedding, and Matt was the best man, he was unavailable for the first few days because he was needed alot to help out with preparations. Fortunately, Matt’s parents were extremely helpful with caring for (and doting on) Nikolas the whole week. They would proudly show him off and even get into a little trouble with him when we weren’t around. Matt found our son here, after Grandma took him off our hands for a bit:

Another factor that contributed to the suckiness of the trip was the fact that I developed severe heat stroke. As much as I was trying to remember to drink water, I was more focused on saving what water we could come across (getting other family members to give us theirs from their room) for Nikolas’ bottles. Dehydration + hot hot heat = 24 hours of puking and shitting my guts out and then another 24 hours to recover. It was so bad that I could only suck on ice cubes to get any fluid into my body. It was just simply rejecting everything I tried to ingest. Unfortunately, my recovery day also happened to be the same day that everyone went for an excursion into Havana. There is no way I would have survived that, so I got to sleep in, relax, sip peppermint tea and read a book while Grandma & Grandpa took Nikolas for the day. It really is a shitty feeling to be so sick that you can’t even look after your own kid. On a selfish note, I read more in those two days than I’ve been able to read in months.

If I were to try to sum up the trip on a positive note, I’d have to say that it was great to hang out with family for a week, go swimming with my boy every day, and see the beach, if only for a short amount of time. We have decided, however, that until Nikolas is older, we'll just be doing road trips with him.

I love it when...

Nikolas comes in for a big, wet, open-mouthed kiss. Snotty nose and all.

Nikolas: Just Borm

Giggles

A couple weeks ago, I discovered what will make Nikolas laugh: dog fights. I bundled him up in the snugli, and we took Keko to the dog park. Keko likes to play alpha dog, so he's usually pretty agressive towards the other dogs. Keko started rough housing with another dog, growling and barking, and from out of nowhere, Nikolas starting giggling! He found this so amusing! When Matt got home from work later that evening, and found out he missed out on Nikolas' first impromptu giggles. So, he started to play tug of war with the dog to make him growl. Here's the video:

His Name is Cute

My baby is cute. I know it. I'm not going to deny it. He is unbelievably adorable. But now, Nikolas hears the word "cute" so much, I'm pretty sure that he is starting to think that is his name.

Earlier this week, we were at the grocery store, and while I was paying, Nikolas was chilling out in his stroller, happily playing with a toy, or sucking his thumb, or something, just minding his own business (happily, he wasn't crying).

The cashier lady noticed him, and like usual, the gushing began.."oh, look at the baby! He's soooo CUTE!"

At this, Nikolas immediately stopped what he was doing, sat straight up in his car seat, and turned towards the cashier with a huge grin on his face. If I could read his mind, he was saying "Did you say Cute? I'm cute! Right over here! Look at this smile! I AM Cute!"

Dealing With Illness

I knew it was just a matter of time until it happened: Nikolas’ first sickness. Technically, it’s not his first. He did have a bout of reflux when he was a month old that we had to deal with for a couple months. But compared to this past week, that was a cake walk.

For the past week or so, Nikolas has had a runny and stuffy nose, so I knew he was fighting something that’s going around. It was nothing major, and he didn’t really seem affected by it. He was a bit more tired, but that’s about it. Up until Wednesday, it seemed that it was clearing up and there was nothing to worry about. Then early Thursday morning, Nikolas woke up crying for his usual night feeding and his voice was different. It was like he had no voice at all; just little squeaks were coming out.

Later that morning, I called the paediatrician’s office to see if I should bring him in. The receptionist said that the doctor wouldn’t prescribe anything for a cold, so unless he had a fever or his breathing rate increased, to just keep him at home. A spring storm was blowing in that day, and it seemed like good advice. So, we just stayed home and took it easy, spending lots of time snuggling.

That night turned out to be a rough one. Nikolas seemed extra stuffed up and developed a fever. I was concerned about him and brought him into to bed to sleep with me so I could keep a close watch on him.
Friday wasn’t much different than Thursday, except Nikolas developed a barking cough. It was still storming outside and after hearing the roads were extremely icy, I did not want to risk driving into the city. Matt came home from work and seemed concerned, and so I called a pharmacist to see if there were any medications that were safe to give Nikolas for his cough. In the meantime, Matt’s parents came over for a visit, and immediately said something was wrong. By now, he was wheezing pretty bad, his voice was completely gone and the cough was getting worse. The only clinic in town was closed for the day, so my mother-in-law and I bundled up Nikolas and drove to the hospital in Leduc. We figured we’d go there instead of into the city, as there would be a shorter wait in emergency.

Once we got there, he was assessed right away, and there was maybe 10 minutes of waiting before he was called in, and we went in before any of the other people who were already waiting. I knew then it was serious. We were brought into the triage room where Nikolas was examined by the doctor, who explained that he had croup. Before yesterday, I had never even heard of it. He was given a dose of steroids and oxygen through a ventilator mask and the nurses explained it would help to open up his airways. After about 20 minutes of treatment, there was no improvement in his breathing. It was still a struggle for my baby to inhale, and his chest would cave in with the effort it took. We were moved to a ‘trauma’ room, where the nurses and doctor could keep a closer eye on him. As I sat on the stretcher holding my boy and the oxygen mask over his face, the nurse was behind me setting up an IV machine and a defibrillator. She must have seen the look of fear on my face and explained that it was very unlikely that it would be necessary, but all the equipment needed to be on hand in case his respiratory system failed.

The doctor then came in and explained that since Nikolas’ breathing had not improved significantly, that he’d have to be transported to the Stollery Children’s Hospital in the city and that an ambulance was on the way. That is when panic really struck me, but I knew I had to keep it together for my baby. I needed to stay strong and keep telling myself that it would be okay.

The EMT’s arrived, and the nurses were trying to get an IV into Nikolas. They couldn’t seem to find a vein and tried 4 different times to get a needle in him. It was ridiculous. One EMT just finally said “forget it, we have to go”. They had me sit on the stretcher, buckled me in, then put Nikolas on me so I could provide some comfort to him for the ride. Being that it was already past his bed time, I knew he’d fall asleep. We were loaded into the back of the ambulance, and just as the doors were about to close, Matt appeared, looking very worried. I told him right away that Nikolas was okay, he was relaxed, and to meet us at the Stollery (and to drive the speed limit). He came in the ambulance, gave Nikolas a kiss and then we were on our way. As I suspected, Nikolas fell asleep right away and was snoring for most of the ride. I still had to hold an oxygen mask over his face and his oxygen levels were being monitored the whole time. The EMT’s were great and reassured me that croup is extremely common in young kids and that it’s easily treated. It was something they saw a lot of. I wish the nurses had thought to tell me that.

We arrived at the hospital and went through all the same assessments, questions and examinations as we already went through at the first hospital. Except there were more staff on hand as well as pediatric doctors. Nikolas was a little charmer and was blowing raspberries and flirting with the nurses. (Oh, the girls are going to be in trouble when he gets older.) We basically went through the same course of treatment as before. I was to hold a mask near his face so he could breathe in the oxygen and steroids. After about 20 minutes of treatment, I was finally allowed to give Nikolas a bottle and let him snuggle in for some sleep. This really where the drama ended.

From then, we were put in a private area, Matthew arrived, and it was 4 hours of Nikolas being hooked up to monitors where his heart rate, respiratory rate and oxygen levels were monitored. I got to lay in the bed with him and make him comfortable so he could sleep. We were finally able to go home at 1:30 am, after it was determined that the 2nd round of medication/oxygen had worked, and Nikolas was breathing much easier.

There are no other medications that we can give our boy, and we’ve been told that this is very common. In fact, all the other kids that were in the same ward as us were there because of croup or asthma. We’d been warned that it would likely be worse for him at night, and to bring him outside in the cold air for a few minutes to help reduce the inflammation in his respiratory tract. Worse case scenario would be that we’d have to go back to Leduc hospital for more treatment, but it will likely clear up on it’s own.

The next week will be important to get his health back up to par, as we are to be flying to Cuba next weekend. I’m going to have to cancel any events or appointments where there will be other kids, as I don’t want to risk any one else’s baby getting sick. I was to start attending a support group for mom’s with PPD, as well as Rhyme Time at the library, but those are going to have to wait. It also means no strollercize. Nikolas was also to get his 6 month shots next week. Also, not happening. His immune system is already compromised.

We've discovered that being a parent really makes you feel the most extreme of emotions: love, guilt, pride, fear. But no matter what is going on in our crazy lives, as scared as any situation may make us, we have to be strong for our babies.