30 Days of Gratitude: Day 5

Today I am grateful for:

1. having nothing scheduled. Teething made for a good day at home.
2. being able to provide comfort and lots of extra snuggling to my baby.
3. my mother-in-law who came by so I could take my dog to the park.

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 4

Today I am grateful for:

1. Children's Advil
2. Frozen teething rings
3. Time spent at the spray park with some new friends


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 3

Today I am grateful for:

1. Sleeping in until 10:30. First time since Nikolas was born. I will never take sleeping in for granted again.
2. Grocery shopping with no crying.
3. Nikolas waited until we got home to let loose a major poop explosion. THANK GOD he didn't do that at the store..I didn't even pack a diaper bag.

Mile-a-Minute Milestones

The past week with Nikolas has been such an adventure.

Last week, on Father's Day, I noticed that there was a tooth poking out! I hadn't noticed any of the typical signs of teething...nothing out of the ordinary, anyways. Nikolas is always chewing on everything, and drooling is pretty typical.So when he grabbed hold of my finger and started chomping on it, I was surprised to feel a little nubbin in there! Finally! A tooth has arrived!

Then Monday arrived. And our lives were forever changed. Nikolas officially started crawling. And he quickly figured out to get where he wanted to go. Fast. Honestly, I thought we'd have more time to prepare. It hasn't been that long that he's been trying to propel himself from sitting to being on all fours. And there would usually be a leg stuck or in the way somehow. So when he suddenly figured it out, he realized that he now had freedom. And now he could go anywhere he wanted!



I'd like to know why babies are attracted to the stuff they should not be touching, chewing, or eating. He is so interested in the TV stand, and all the boxes with blinking lights on them. Who wouldn't be? And don't forget about the dog's water and food dishes. I can't keep him away from them! On Wednesday, I was vaccuming, and when I turned around, I found Nikolas chewing on the cord! I wonder if his Baba told him a story about the time she did that, and the cord blew up in her mouth?

Most of my day is now spent shouting "Nikolas, NO!" and relocating him to a safe place with new distractions. I've reorganized all the lower cupboards in my kitchen and have created a baby-safe cupboard for him to play in. I've put padding all around the glass shelves of the TV stand. We were obviously not thinking about babies when we made that purchase! All plug-ins within his reach have been baby proofed. I still have to install the gate I bought for the top of the stairs. But this morning I realized I'll soon need one for the bottom of the stairs as well...he's trying to climb them already!

30 Days of Gratitude: Day 2

Today I am grateful for:

1. Warm, sunny days
2. Long walks with my baby & dog
3. Baby-proof padding that covers the edges and corners of the square glass tv stand. We sure weren't thinking of babies when we made that purchase!


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30 Days of Gratitude: Day 1

This is a neat project idea I got from a friend on FaceBook. The goal of this project is to write down 3 things I am grateful for, 30 days in a row.

Today I am grateful for:

1. A loving husband who understands me and supports me no matter what
2. A beautiful son who is happy and healthy
3. Supportive friends who let me know that I am not alone

In Case You’ve Been Wondering....

Yes, I am still depressed. I just don’t talk about it. I’ve been medicated, and even though all the really terrible thoughts and feelings have gone away, I still have sadness about me some days. In April, I joined a support group through the Millwoods Family Resource Centre in Edmonton called Managing Motherhood. We meet every Monday and it’s been an awesome way to connect with other moms who suffer from PPD and to learn tools and strategies for dealing with depression. The group is facilitated by a couple of wonderful women and each week we cover different topics such as communication skills, anger management, setting boundaries, and resources available to us.

This past Monday was our last get together for the spring session, and it was this week that I had a wake up call. The support group was the only time and place where I acknowledged that I suffered from depression, but I still wasn’t talking about it. Up until this week, I’ve been feeling like I have less depression and more  CBS: Cranky Bitch Syndrome. Some days I’d leave the group feeling like a fraud. After hearing the stories of the other moms, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be part of the group, because what they go through is far worse than what I do. I really felt like I had this whole depression thing tackled, when in reality, I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I’ve been letting the drugs do their work, but I haven’t been doing mine.

There is one particular mom in the group who I feel has a lot in common with me, and I could relate alot to what she goes through. Recently, she’s had a positive energy about her, and you could tell just by looking at her that she was doing good. She even announced that she was trying to get closer to her husband again.

Her accomplishments made me really aware that I haven’t been doing anything to help myself get better. I’d leave the group each Monday with a new sheet of paper with tips for things to think about and work on. The paper would just get filed into the folder they gave us at the beginning of the group and be forgotten. I never discussed anything with anybody. Everything has been internalized, and buried. This is what I do. The other night, Matt saw one of the papers on the table from this week about Productive Arguments. He asked where it came from. As I picked it up from the table and stuffed it into my file folder, I just told him it’s from support group, and that I don’t tell him about it because he doesn’t ask. Wow. Talk about transferring blame and not taking responsibility.

I don’t have the negative thoughts about what a terrible mother I am. Now I know what a terrible wife and best friend I’ve become to my husband.

Ever since we’ve gotten back from Cuba, I’ve harboured this anger and resentment towards him. (yes, this also coincides with the start of golf season). I’ve completely shut myself off and have pushed him away. Every day this week since I’ve realized what I’ve been doing, I’ve planned to talk to Matt about this once Nikolas goes to bed. And it just never happens. I can’t bring myself to open up and talk about what’s going on. I go on, letting my husband think that I no longer love him and want nothing to do with him. He’s actually told me that he knows I hate him.

How could I have become so self absorbed in my own pity party that I didn’t care how my actions were affecting him? I’m feeling tremendous guilt and sadness over this and now I just don’t know how to make it better.

Happy Father's Day

The first time I brought Matt to visit my bestest of friends and their young children in Calgary way back in 2003, I knew he was going to be my baby daddy. I even told this to my bff, and she completely agreed. This was a pretty big milestone for me, considering that up until I met Matthew, I had absolutely no plans on having kids.

But after being with Matthew, I quickly learned the importance of family. Father’s Day had always been a sore spot for me growing up, because it wasn’t until I reached my early 20’s did I have a solid father figure in my life. I remember being in Grade 3, and it was the Friday before Father’s Day, and we were to make a handmade card for our Dad. I was so stressed out. Do I make one card? Do I make 2 cards? 3 cards? At the time, there was no solid Father figure in my life. I didn’t know what to do. So, I told my teacher that I didn’t have a Dad. And I didn’t make any cards that year. I had completely forgotten about that until last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and remembered that I had to write in the Father’s Day card that I bought for Matt. Isn’t it so strange how memories just come back to us like that, in the middle of the night, from out of nowhere?

I digress.

This day is special, because it is for celebrating the men in our lives: fathers, husbands, grandfathers. Any man who has shared in the adventure of parenthood. And what an adventure it is. Only after having a baby do I have the upmost respect for those parents out there who are doing it alone. The strength and courage it must take. I could not imagine doing this by myself. When Nikolas was first born, Matt took 3 weeks off work to be with us. We quickly figured out a schedule and routine that would maximize sleep time for me in between nursing (haha..what a joke...sleep??? Ya right!) and I would never have survived those first few weeks alone. The night before Matt was to go back to work, I had a complete melt down. How on earth was I going to handle this new born baby alone for 8 hours? I was terrified.

Nikolas doesn’t know it yet, but he really has the best Daddy in the world.

MaaaaaMaaaMaa

He finally did it! Nikolas is saying “maaa maaa maamaa”!! Okay, there may be a few “naaa naaa naaa’s” in there, but I’ll take it! And just in time for Father’s Day too! I had set this deadline for Nikolas simply because of the fact that the day before Mother’s Day, Nikolas had spent the night with his grandparents, and when I arrived to pick him up, he was sitting on the floor happily saying “daa daaa daaa”. How happy he made mama!

However, given the fact that it was the DAY BEFORE MOTHER’S DAY, I was a little disgruntled. So, I put Nikolas up to the challenge. Really, it was an ultimatum. I said “Nikolas, you better be saying Mama in time for Father’s Day, or I’ll be adding another 2 weeks to the grounding tally we have going on for you, and at this rate, you won’t be going anywhere until your 27”.


He took me seriously this time. And this week, he’s now saying “maaa maaa naaaa maa maa naaa naaaaaaa”.


I love my boy!

I Love It When...

I am woken up by the sound of Nikolas happily playing in his crib. It's a much better sound than a crying baby!


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So I'm currently sitting in the parking lot of a Wendy's, scarfing down a burger & fries. And it's quiet. This is how motherhood has changed me. I have never been shy to eat alone in restaurants, and in fact used to enjoy my "me" time with a nice meal & a good book. Now, when I'm out & about, and hunger strikes, I head to a drive through because Nikolas is with me, and usualy asleep in the back seat. And you know that you must NEVER EVER wake a sleeping baby. It goes against all rules of nature.

The nice thing is, I can actually take my time to eat. And maybe even write. Yes, this is what I've become. And you know what? I'm okay with that. Now if only the "healthy" restaurants like Booster Juice or Pita Pit had drive through.


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“The Boy” Can Sit!

Nikolas mastered a brand new skill yesterday. And he’s loving it. He practices all the time. Even when he should be sleeping. The Boy can sit up on his own! I haven’t actually witnessed the event, but last night, after I put Nikolas down for the night, he took a long time to get to sleep and was crying. This was unusual, and he always goes down really well at night and never cries. So, after about 10 minutes of letting him cry, I went up to check on him, and found him sitting up in his crib!

He saw me come in, and looked up at me, and has this look on his face that said “Look mama! Look at me!” and at the same time, the look on his face also said “How do I lie down again? I just want to go to sleep already!” It was pure happiness mixed with a little desperation because he wasn’t sure how to get himself out of this mess. My reaction was a little similar. I felt absolute pride and was so happy, then immediately thought “oh shit, we’re in trouble now”. After quick congratulations, I cuddled him for a bit until he fell asleep. It’s been awhile since I’ve rocked my baby to sleep, and I cherished every minute of it.

Today, he got even more practice. He sat up this morning while playing in the living room. I missed it again, because I was checking my email. Then, each nap today (all three), several times I had to go back up to his room, and each time, he’s sitting in his crib, his left thumb in his mouth, his right thumb tugging on his right ear.

During his afternoon nap, I actually stayed in his room and watched him. He didn’t know I was there, I was just sitting on the floor at the end of his crib, watching, very quietly. He was sitting up at the other end of the crib, facing away from me. His legs were hanging over the mattress, and outside the bars and he was happily kicking away. Then he noticed that he was sitting RIGHT UNDER THE MOBILE. He stretched and stretched and wiggled ever so slightly, and just BARELY was able to reach one of the jungle animals. Every so often, he’d lose his balance a little bit, and bonk his head against the railing of the crib. He’d cry out for 5 seconds, realize I wasn’t rushing up to check on him, and continued the attempt to REACH THAT CROCODILE.

After a couple more futile attempts, he gave up and remembered he was tired! How was he going to sleep sitting up? The rail of the crib must have looked like a good place to rest his head, because he’d lean forward, put his head down, and immediately started to cry because he discovered this was not the most comfortable way to sleep. He even tried putting his forearm under his head to provide cushion. Still, it just was not working out for him.

The whole time this was happening, I was sitting quietly, watching every moment. And it took every ounce of my being not to giggle. Nikolas was just trying so hard! I only let the torture go on for a short time (ok, more like 10 minutes) before I decided I’d come to my boy’s rescue and rock him to sleep.

As soon as Matt walked in the door form work, I got him to lower the mattress in the crib, and remove the mobile.

Coming soon: the crawl position. He’s so close.

I Love It When...

Nikolas holds his bottle all by himself! Now Mama can blog in bed with TWO hands!



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Insomnia

Now that Nikolas has been sleeping through the night on a regular basis, the nights that I actually have to get out of bed before 7:30 am are few and far between. It also helps that Matt still takes baby duty every other night & Nikolas seems to sense that & Matt rarely gets a full night without having to get up with him. And isn't it funny how on the night that Matt asks me to take on baby duty, that Nikolas wakes up at 1:00 am crying, and won't go back to sleep.

It's not that I mind getting up to cuddle, feed, change a diaper, cuddle some more. It's not that bad because I'm no longer doing it 6 times it even 2 times a night anymore.

The part that really sucks is that I can't go back to sleep for hours afterward!!!!!


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I Don't Love It When...

The little fucker pinches me! Where do babies learn to do that?!


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I Love It When...

I can put Nikolas down for a nap, and he goes to sleep all by himself with no tears!


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Location:49 St,Beaumont,Canada

Want It

After being stuck in the house all winter with a newborn baby, I was so looking forward to summer, and the warm weather activities that we could do with Nikolas. One of these activities included taking him on bike rides. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love being on my bike. I'm the type of girl who looks forward to that first ride in the spring; the ride where the ultimate goal is to find puddles and mud and dirt and get as dirty as possible, and have as much fun as I can while doing it.

In 2 years, I've been on my bike a total of 1 time. That was last summer, and by then I was so pregnant, my legs were hitting my belly as I peddled.

Much to my disapointment, I discovered that kids cannot ride on bicycles, or any bicycle accessory (carriers, mounted seats) until they are at least 1 year old. The reason for this is that the child needs to be able to sit well and carry the weight of a helmet on his or her head. I guess bike-riding with Nikolas will have to wait until next summer.

I came across this product, and it looks really cool! The iBert safe-T-seat was designed by a Mom for kids ages one to four, it allows for better interaction than trailers and other seats.

Snotty Baby

I Don't Love it When....

I take my antidepressants sporadically. I am one mean bitch right now.

I love it when...

Nikolas sleeps through the night. With the exception of one night in the past week, he's been sleeping right through the night. There is the odd time he wakes up, cries for a minute, then goes back to sleep all by himself. I'm feeling spoiled right now.