In Case You’ve Been Wondering....

Yes, I am still depressed. I just don’t talk about it. I’ve been medicated, and even though all the really terrible thoughts and feelings have gone away, I still have sadness about me some days. In April, I joined a support group through the Millwoods Family Resource Centre in Edmonton called Managing Motherhood. We meet every Monday and it’s been an awesome way to connect with other moms who suffer from PPD and to learn tools and strategies for dealing with depression. The group is facilitated by a couple of wonderful women and each week we cover different topics such as communication skills, anger management, setting boundaries, and resources available to us.

This past Monday was our last get together for the spring session, and it was this week that I had a wake up call. The support group was the only time and place where I acknowledged that I suffered from depression, but I still wasn’t talking about it. Up until this week, I’ve been feeling like I have less depression and more  CBS: Cranky Bitch Syndrome. Some days I’d leave the group feeling like a fraud. After hearing the stories of the other moms, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be part of the group, because what they go through is far worse than what I do. I really felt like I had this whole depression thing tackled, when in reality, I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I’ve been letting the drugs do their work, but I haven’t been doing mine.

There is one particular mom in the group who I feel has a lot in common with me, and I could relate alot to what she goes through. Recently, she’s had a positive energy about her, and you could tell just by looking at her that she was doing good. She even announced that she was trying to get closer to her husband again.

Her accomplishments made me really aware that I haven’t been doing anything to help myself get better. I’d leave the group each Monday with a new sheet of paper with tips for things to think about and work on. The paper would just get filed into the folder they gave us at the beginning of the group and be forgotten. I never discussed anything with anybody. Everything has been internalized, and buried. This is what I do. The other night, Matt saw one of the papers on the table from this week about Productive Arguments. He asked where it came from. As I picked it up from the table and stuffed it into my file folder, I just told him it’s from support group, and that I don’t tell him about it because he doesn’t ask. Wow. Talk about transferring blame and not taking responsibility.

I don’t have the negative thoughts about what a terrible mother I am. Now I know what a terrible wife and best friend I’ve become to my husband.

Ever since we’ve gotten back from Cuba, I’ve harboured this anger and resentment towards him. (yes, this also coincides with the start of golf season). I’ve completely shut myself off and have pushed him away. Every day this week since I’ve realized what I’ve been doing, I’ve planned to talk to Matt about this once Nikolas goes to bed. And it just never happens. I can’t bring myself to open up and talk about what’s going on. I go on, letting my husband think that I no longer love him and want nothing to do with him. He’s actually told me that he knows I hate him.

How could I have become so self absorbed in my own pity party that I didn’t care how my actions were affecting him? I’m feeling tremendous guilt and sadness over this and now I just don’t know how to make it better.