Today marks 6 weeks that Nikolas was born, and our lives have forever been changed. The past 6 weeks have been the hardest, most challenging times of my life, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. I have cried more since our baby was born than I have ever cried, but I have also felt love that I could never imagine existed. Also, I have come to love and appreciate my husband more than ever before. He has really been my rock, and I couldn't imagine doing this without him.
In the past 2 weeks or so, Nikolas is changing so much, it's incredible to see the things he is starting to do, and I amazed everyday by him. He is able to focus now and sees so much around him. He's fasinated by everything he sees and spends alot of time staring at the Venetian blinds or the art we have around the house. He also loves staring at himself in the mirror, even though he doesn't know that the cute baby staring back is himself! Today while we were enjoying some play time, I crouched down in front of the dog, and he seemed amazed with Keko! Keko of course loves the baby and is always near him, which means he's always underfoot.
The other thing I'm loving right now is the smiles that Nikolas is blessing us with more and more everyday. He is really responding to both Matt and I and we love working for those smiles. It is the best feeling in the world and my heart melts every time.
We have somewhat of a routine going on as far as eating and sleeping goes. He's starting to go longer between eating, sometimes as long as 4 1/2 hours, but that seems to happen only when we leave him at Grandma's, where he also sleeps for several hours at a time. I have a hard time getting him to nap for longer than 45 minutes at home during the day, for those rare days that we stay at home all day. I try to get us out of the house everyday, especially since it's been unseasonally warm. I want to avoid getting cabin fever so even if it's just for a walk, I make a point of getting out the door. So normally, we'll go 2-3 hours between feedings, and we are slowly switching over to formula.
We still struggle with breast feeding, so I've decided to slowly wean him off. We're currently doing a mid-afternoon and bed time bottle, which help me to leave the house during the day for more than 2 hours at a time and the bed time bottle helps Nikolas to sleep longer. Matt will usually give him the bed time bottle while I sneak off to bed and get my longest stretch of sleep for the night. The baby gets up 2-3 times a night, 2 hours apart and I'm slowly getting used to coping with so little sleep. Like any parent, this is the area where I am suffering the most. I really miss my sleep. Even if Nikolas did sleep for 6+ hours at night, I'd still be up to pump, as I'd become so engorged. I'm hoping to alleviate engorgement as much as I can by slowly replacing feedings one at a time over several days with formula. I'm really struggling with feelings of guilt about quitting breastfeeding, but it is so frustrating for both Nikolas and I, and I really am not enjoying it. I don't feel like it's a bonding experience for us, and there are many other ways to experience closeness with one another. Matt has also been very supportive in this decision, and just wants the best for both of us. Besides, he now gets a chance to also feed the baby (and occasionally I can get some extra sleep).
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Thursday, November 26, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
My Birth Story
My due date with Nikolas was October 5. By the time that date, came, I was so ready to have him and not be pregnant anymore. I'd also been sitting at home for 4 weeks by then and was BORED silly. Now, I can’t even imagine being bored..I'm always waiting for him to doze off so I can set him down to get something done, like shower. Most days, it doesn't happen. We're so happy when Daddy gets home and he can take over.
So, October 5 came and went, and I must say I was very disappointed. It's like waiting for Christmas day, and you wake up on December 25, and NOTHING. Only this is bigger than Christmas. I was also getting endless questions daily about if I'd had the baby yet. Didn't people realize that if I'd had the baby, they would know it? Like it was some kind of secret I'd keep? Yes, I was definitely ready to have this baby.
My next appointment with my ob-gyn was scheduled for the 12th and she was disappointed to see me there...still pregnant. So, I was scheduled for an ultrasound and a NST (non stress test) for the next day, and an induction for the 15th. At the ultrasound, it was confirmed that I was definitely over due (there was some confusion about my actual due date) and I was told to expect a 9-pounder! Talk about making me nervous....never mind that I'd heard having an induction meant a longer and more painful labour.
Well, I got lucky, and did not have to be induced after all. I woke up the next morning with cramps in my belly and I just had a feeling that "today was the day". I got up and had a coffee with Matthew before he went to work and told him I was having cramps. He said to give him notice if he was to come home early. I said to him:"this is your notice". I spent the morning tidying up the house and making cupcakes. Matt was home by noon and our friend Jill and her 5-week old daughter, Kira came over for a visit. I downloaded a cool contraction timer application for my iPhone and was tracking the contractions all morning and into the afternoon. They were coming occasionally and didn't feel any worse than gas might.
Matt left to go over to his parents' place for awhile and Jill pointed out to me that I was picking up my phone more and more frequently. I checked the intervals between contractions and they were about 5 minutes apart. They didn't feel that bad though; I was able to carry on a conversation throughout. Jill stayed with me until Matt came back home, as she didn't want to leave me alone; she'd just had a baby, she knew what I was about to go through! Once she left, it was like my body was saying "ok, now we can give 'er" and the contractions starting coming very hard. We grabbed our packing list and I guided Matt through all the things that needed to be thrown into the suitcase. My mom had asked for one more belly picture, so we even took the time for photos; in between contractions, of course!
By the time we made it to the hospital (following an old guy doing 60 on the highway on the way into the city!!)it was 6:30 pm and I was in full-out pain and needed assistance getting out of the truck and up to the maternity floor of the hospital. We were escorted to the "triage" room and it was like rush hour in there! It seemed like many babies had decided to make their appearance that evening. My Dr. happened to be on shift that evening and when she checked me, informed me that I was 3 cm dilated and that we weren't going anywhere - like I could be convinced to leave the hospital at this point. We had to wait quite awhile before I could get my epidural, due to the high number of other women showing up in labour, and it was probably the longest, most painful 1 1/2 hours of my life. I never thought I'd be a screamer, but I clearly remember gripping the sides of the bed as hard as I could and screaming through my contractions. Matt told me later that he could hear other women behind their curtains saying "oh my god". I guess I was scaring them with my screaming.
We were finally brought to our birthing room, where the epidural doctor was waiting for us. I was never happier to see a man holding a huge needle before! I've heard horror stories about other women getting epidurals and how they were jabbed several times before it was inserted correctly. I was lucky. The doctor was quick and efficient, and within about 10 minutes, I was resting comfortably in the bed, all signs of pain gone. What a relief! I honestly don't know why women would want to go through labour without the epidural! I couldn't imagine being in that amount of pain for any longer...not only was it extremely painful, but it's exhausting!
Once the epidural was administered, we had a good 7 hours of waiting around for things to happen. I dilated quite quickly to around 8 cm, but the last 2 cm took hours to happen. There was a radio in the room, so we listened to the Oilers game, and then once that was over, switched over to a local rock station.
I found that it really is true that once you've given birth, there is no shyness about who see's your va-j-j. I had so many nurses come and go, all of them needing to check on me on a regular basis...after awhile, I just didn't care anymore.
At approximately 2:45 am, I was finally fully dilated, and it was time to start pushing. This was the scary part. I was so terrified of the pain I was about to endure, there was a point where I just remember thinking "I don't want to do this anymore". The next 45 minutes is really a blur to me; I don't remember it much. I do remember the nurse calling for the doctor, and I knew that THIS WAS IT. I'm not sure how they control what parts of the body that the epidural effects, but it's amazing how it works. I couldn't feel the contractions, but I could feel the dr's hands on my skin and I could feel the baby making his way out. At one point, the nurse asked if I wanted to reach down and feel his head. I replied to her "trust me, I can feel him!".
At 3:32 am on October 15, our little man, Nikolas made his appearance into the world. He was immediately put on my stomach and I remember looking at him and crying and being happy, but there was no way I wanted to touch to gooey mess! Matt had been beside me the entire time and was such a great coach for me. He didn't get grossed out, or get queasy or anything. And I only said one mean thing to him while the nurse was telling him to help me with breathing and I informed him he had bad breath! The nurse said to me "it's 3:30 in the morning. We all have bad breath!"
Once Nikolas was out and brought over to the warming table, we were both just staring in amazement at him. Then it occurred to me that nobody was taking pictures! So I yelled at Matt "get the f'ing camera and start taking pictures!". He jumped to it and did a great job of capturing those first few moments of our son's life.
It seemed to take forever for Nikolas to be cleaned up and checked over. I kept my attention focused on him to keep my mind off the pain I was still enduring as the dr stitched me up and who knows what else was going on down there. I knew I had torn; there was no denying the "ring of fire" I'd heard about that best describes the pain that is experienced. While the nurses were checking the baby over and cleaning him off, he was so quiet and calm and was just lying there, looking over in my direction. I know he couldn’t see that far, but I could feel he was staring at me.
When Nikolas was finally brought over and placed in my arms, Matt and I just stared at him in wonder as I cried "our son is here". It is truly amazing the instant unconditional love you can feel for your child. Until you become a parent, there is really no way to understand the level of emotion. It was such a moment of true perfection, and we were now a true family.....and baby makes three.
So, October 5 came and went, and I must say I was very disappointed. It's like waiting for Christmas day, and you wake up on December 25, and NOTHING. Only this is bigger than Christmas. I was also getting endless questions daily about if I'd had the baby yet. Didn't people realize that if I'd had the baby, they would know it? Like it was some kind of secret I'd keep? Yes, I was definitely ready to have this baby.
My next appointment with my ob-gyn was scheduled for the 12th and she was disappointed to see me there...still pregnant. So, I was scheduled for an ultrasound and a NST (non stress test) for the next day, and an induction for the 15th. At the ultrasound, it was confirmed that I was definitely over due (there was some confusion about my actual due date) and I was told to expect a 9-pounder! Talk about making me nervous....never mind that I'd heard having an induction meant a longer and more painful labour.
Well, I got lucky, and did not have to be induced after all. I woke up the next morning with cramps in my belly and I just had a feeling that "today was the day". I got up and had a coffee with Matthew before he went to work and told him I was having cramps. He said to give him notice if he was to come home early. I said to him:"this is your notice". I spent the morning tidying up the house and making cupcakes. Matt was home by noon and our friend Jill and her 5-week old daughter, Kira came over for a visit. I downloaded a cool contraction timer application for my iPhone and was tracking the contractions all morning and into the afternoon. They were coming occasionally and didn't feel any worse than gas might.
Matt left to go over to his parents' place for awhile and Jill pointed out to me that I was picking up my phone more and more frequently. I checked the intervals between contractions and they were about 5 minutes apart. They didn't feel that bad though; I was able to carry on a conversation throughout. Jill stayed with me until Matt came back home, as she didn't want to leave me alone; she'd just had a baby, she knew what I was about to go through! Once she left, it was like my body was saying "ok, now we can give 'er" and the contractions starting coming very hard. We grabbed our packing list and I guided Matt through all the things that needed to be thrown into the suitcase. My mom had asked for one more belly picture, so we even took the time for photos; in between contractions, of course!
By the time we made it to the hospital (following an old guy doing 60 on the highway on the way into the city!!)it was 6:30 pm and I was in full-out pain and needed assistance getting out of the truck and up to the maternity floor of the hospital. We were escorted to the "triage" room and it was like rush hour in there! It seemed like many babies had decided to make their appearance that evening. My Dr. happened to be on shift that evening and when she checked me, informed me that I was 3 cm dilated and that we weren't going anywhere - like I could be convinced to leave the hospital at this point. We had to wait quite awhile before I could get my epidural, due to the high number of other women showing up in labour, and it was probably the longest, most painful 1 1/2 hours of my life. I never thought I'd be a screamer, but I clearly remember gripping the sides of the bed as hard as I could and screaming through my contractions. Matt told me later that he could hear other women behind their curtains saying "oh my god". I guess I was scaring them with my screaming.
We were finally brought to our birthing room, where the epidural doctor was waiting for us. I was never happier to see a man holding a huge needle before! I've heard horror stories about other women getting epidurals and how they were jabbed several times before it was inserted correctly. I was lucky. The doctor was quick and efficient, and within about 10 minutes, I was resting comfortably in the bed, all signs of pain gone. What a relief! I honestly don't know why women would want to go through labour without the epidural! I couldn't imagine being in that amount of pain for any longer...not only was it extremely painful, but it's exhausting!
Once the epidural was administered, we had a good 7 hours of waiting around for things to happen. I dilated quite quickly to around 8 cm, but the last 2 cm took hours to happen. There was a radio in the room, so we listened to the Oilers game, and then once that was over, switched over to a local rock station.
I found that it really is true that once you've given birth, there is no shyness about who see's your va-j-j. I had so many nurses come and go, all of them needing to check on me on a regular basis...after awhile, I just didn't care anymore.
At approximately 2:45 am, I was finally fully dilated, and it was time to start pushing. This was the scary part. I was so terrified of the pain I was about to endure, there was a point where I just remember thinking "I don't want to do this anymore". The next 45 minutes is really a blur to me; I don't remember it much. I do remember the nurse calling for the doctor, and I knew that THIS WAS IT. I'm not sure how they control what parts of the body that the epidural effects, but it's amazing how it works. I couldn't feel the contractions, but I could feel the dr's hands on my skin and I could feel the baby making his way out. At one point, the nurse asked if I wanted to reach down and feel his head. I replied to her "trust me, I can feel him!".
At 3:32 am on October 15, our little man, Nikolas made his appearance into the world. He was immediately put on my stomach and I remember looking at him and crying and being happy, but there was no way I wanted to touch to gooey mess! Matt had been beside me the entire time and was such a great coach for me. He didn't get grossed out, or get queasy or anything. And I only said one mean thing to him while the nurse was telling him to help me with breathing and I informed him he had bad breath! The nurse said to me "it's 3:30 in the morning. We all have bad breath!"
Once Nikolas was out and brought over to the warming table, we were both just staring in amazement at him. Then it occurred to me that nobody was taking pictures! So I yelled at Matt "get the f'ing camera and start taking pictures!". He jumped to it and did a great job of capturing those first few moments of our son's life.
When Nikolas was finally brought over and placed in my arms, Matt and I just stared at him in wonder as I cried "our son is here". It is truly amazing the instant unconditional love you can feel for your child. Until you become a parent, there is really no way to understand the level of emotion. It was such a moment of true perfection, and we were now a true family.....and baby makes three.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Notes from the field...
I decided to start writing a blog about my daily life raising my son, Nikolas, to be part of the amazing online community of moms who are doing the same. It is far too easy to think of other moms and their lives, and imagine that everything is perfect in their world. They have the perfect house, perfect husband, perfect children, perfect pets....you get the idea. They would certainly never be caught dead in public with hair that hasn't been perfectly styled (or even brushed) or with a telltale sign they were holding baby before stepping out the door: the dreaded puke stain on the shoulder.
It's become apparent that most parents experience alot of the same issues, problems, situations, and it's nice to know that we are not alone in this great adventure.
Becoming a parent for the first time is nothing like the blissful images I had in my head while I was pregnant. I still remember the early days of my pregnancy, where I felt like my life was perfect and my husband and I had everything we wished for. We were going to have a baby, and life was going to be wonderful! Now when I look back, I think to myself: "get your head out of your ass!!!"
Nikolas is 5 weeks old today, and I love him to death. But....this life as a mommy is NOTHING like the sweet images I had in my mind as I lovingly folded his cute litte onsies and sleepers and prepared the nursery for his arrival. Nobody can ever prepare you for what it's really like once you bring that sweet bundle of joy home and you haven't slept at all since giving birth, and he's crying, and you're crying and you wonder how you'll ever survive this new life. Of all the books, articles and websites that I read on a daily basis, I never once came across the fact that babies eat every 2-3 hours!! I don't know why I didn't know this, but it came as a huge shock to me! Of course, Nikolas was (and still is) ready to eat every 2 hours. That means I don't sleep for more than 1.5 hours at a time....ever. I knew there would be a major lack of sleep, but I must admit that during the first couple of weeks, I was feeling very resentful about having to give up my precious time to lounge around, come and go as I please, and sleep for 12 hours if I damn well felt like it!
I think this is one of the drawbacks of waiting until your 30's to start having babies: you get so used to your self-centered life where it's only about you and what you want at any given time, that it becomes a huge shock when your entire world is turned upside down, sideways, and inside out.
I hope that by sharing my experiences someone out there will feel comforted knowing that they are not alone in what they are feeling or experiencing, and I'm hoping that I can reach through my sleep-deprived daze and provide insight, or at least a funny story about the new adventures in my life with my sweet baby boy.
It's become apparent that most parents experience alot of the same issues, problems, situations, and it's nice to know that we are not alone in this great adventure.
Becoming a parent for the first time is nothing like the blissful images I had in my head while I was pregnant. I still remember the early days of my pregnancy, where I felt like my life was perfect and my husband and I had everything we wished for. We were going to have a baby, and life was going to be wonderful! Now when I look back, I think to myself: "get your head out of your ass!!!"
Nikolas is 5 weeks old today, and I love him to death. But....this life as a mommy is NOTHING like the sweet images I had in my mind as I lovingly folded his cute litte onsies and sleepers and prepared the nursery for his arrival. Nobody can ever prepare you for what it's really like once you bring that sweet bundle of joy home and you haven't slept at all since giving birth, and he's crying, and you're crying and you wonder how you'll ever survive this new life. Of all the books, articles and websites that I read on a daily basis, I never once came across the fact that babies eat every 2-3 hours!! I don't know why I didn't know this, but it came as a huge shock to me! Of course, Nikolas was (and still is) ready to eat every 2 hours. That means I don't sleep for more than 1.5 hours at a time....ever. I knew there would be a major lack of sleep, but I must admit that during the first couple of weeks, I was feeling very resentful about having to give up my precious time to lounge around, come and go as I please, and sleep for 12 hours if I damn well felt like it!
I think this is one of the drawbacks of waiting until your 30's to start having babies: you get so used to your self-centered life where it's only about you and what you want at any given time, that it becomes a huge shock when your entire world is turned upside down, sideways, and inside out.
I hope that by sharing my experiences someone out there will feel comforted knowing that they are not alone in what they are feeling or experiencing, and I'm hoping that I can reach through my sleep-deprived daze and provide insight, or at least a funny story about the new adventures in my life with my sweet baby boy.
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