PPD: It’s Hit Me Like a Brick Wall

I thought I was doing really good, and perhaps even out of the clear. Then this past week happened. Bam! PPD has come along and slapped me silly in the face. PPD, for those of you who may not know, is Post Partum Depression, and it affects 15-20% of mothers, first time or otherwise.
Here’s some quick info from http://postpartum.net:

Symptoms can start anytime during pregnancy or the first year postpartum. They differ for everyone, and might include the following:

• Feelings of anger or irritability
• Lack of interest in the baby
• Appetite and sleep disturbance
• Crying and sadness
• Feelings of guilt, shame or hopelessness
• Loss of interest, joy or pleasure in things you used to enjoy
• Possible thoughts of harming the baby or yourself

Check, check, and check. To all of the above.

So, much to my disappointment, my blog couldn’t be filled with funny anecdotes about the adventures I face as a new mommy. I have even considered not sharing this, and to lead everyone on to believe that everything is ok and being a mom is awesome. However, this would not be keeping true to the main goal of this blog. I want to share all my experiences, good, bad and ugly. And trust me, this past week has been extremely ugly.

I’m feeling pretty calm right now, and am able to reflect on the past few days without too much emotion. I think I cried enough yesterday for a week. I feel drained. Emotionally, mentally, physically.

PPD may have been creeping up to me for awhile now, but I believe it’s the attempt to do sleep training to get Nikolas to nap has pushed me over the edge. As frustrating as it is that he doesn’t like to nap and he’s crabby all day long because he’s tired, the sleep training has been 100% times worse and extremely stressful. It’s when I attempt the method of putting him down when he’s first showing signs of tiredness, that he pulls out his big boy lungs and goes to town on the screaming. I used to think it was cute when I’d say “he has his mother’s lungs”. It’s not so cute anymore. Not at all. Nikolas screams so loud, I can’t bear to be around him without earplugs. It is a blood-curtling, someone-is-killing-me-in-here kind of scream. I’m scared the neighbours think I’m hurting my baby.

As the days have gone on and on, he’s not falling asleep any quicker than the “experts” indicate that he should be. It’s a minimum of 30 minutes of SCREAMING. Then if we’re both lucky, he’ll fall into a light nap for anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes. I’ve found myself liking him less and less during these episodes and as he is screaming in his crib, you could find me either on the stairs crying, or down in the basement screaming into a pillow. I just wish he would SHUT UP and GO TO SLEEP.

So, to go back to the symptoms of PPD, I have all the bases covered:

Feelings of anger or irritability: Extreme anger AND irritability. I’ll freak out on anyone these days. Usually it’s some poor unexpecting stranger out in public who may have blinked wrong at me. Or some poor employee at the grocery store who wants to touch my baby just as he has fallen asleep after an hour of screaming while I shopped. Or my poor husband who just can’t seem to do anything right these days.

Lack of interest in the baby: Maybe more like a lack of liking my baby. I haven’t been enjoying his company. In fact, I pretty much dread facing every day that I have to spend with him. And resentful of my husband who gets to leave for work everyday and do grown up, non-baby things.

Appetite and sleep disturbance: I’m hardly eating anymore. I’m just finding I don’t have the time. Everyone else’s needs come before mine, and it’s usually in the evenings when I realize that all I’ve eaten on any given day is a bowl of cereal.

Sleep disturbance: Ha! I learned a new word this week, it’s called momsomnia. I’m constantly lying in bed, anxious about going to sleep. Because I know that just as I’m nodding off, the baby will need me. Or after I feed him in the middle of the night, I lay in bed for up to 2 hours trying to get back to sleep. My mind will be racing from thought to thought. Everything from how bad of a mother I am to how we’re going to manage when I have to go back to work.

Crying and sadness: Not much to say here except a big, fat YES. Usually during these times I fantasize about running away. I’ve even mentioned it to my husband. Now he’s scared I'll actually do it.

Feelings of guilt, shame or hopelessness: Guilt with a capital G. I’ll think or say something horrible about how I don’t like my baby, or how much my life sucks and what the hell was I thinking wanting to have kids. That I’m now just a shell of my former self, and I don’t even want to hang out with kid-less friends, because I can talk about is the damn baby. It’s consumed my life. Then, I see my baby smile at me, and how could I have just thought or said these things, when HE’S JUST A BABY and I’m the best mom he has. I feel like shit several times a day. I really don’t feel like I’m built for motherhood. I don’t feel like I have enough love.

Loss of interest, joy or pleasure in things you used to enjoy: I can barely remember the things I used to enjoy. It's not about me anymore. Yes, I am selfish and resentful.

Possible thoughts of harming the baby or yourself: No, there are no suicidal thoughts, or anything I’d act on. But I do wonder what life would be like again if ‘this problem’ would just go away and we could go back to our old life.

So, onto the positives:

1.I have a good support system around me. I have a very concerned husband and mom. She even called in sick to work yesterday to come up here and spend some time.

2.I know what resources are out there to help me. I’ve made contact with the local health unit here and have spoken to a nurse about the situation. They take PPD VERY seriously. I have an appointment with my Dr. on Tuesday, and she will give me a prescription for antidepressants. I’m very hesitant to take drugs for this, as I have a history of depression and it took alot of will power to get off the drugs so that I could plan to get pregnant. I’ve been informed the drugs used for PPD are of a different family and that they will quickly make a difference. And I'm being strongly encouraged to take them.

3.I’m also being connected with a PPD counsellor as well as support groups in the area.

4.While I was still pregnant, I volunteered to take part in a study of PPD through the University of Alberta. Because I have a personal and family history of depression, it’s something that I’ve been very aware of and knew that I had a very good chance of developing PPD. The study involved bi-weekly interviews and MRI scans up until 13 weeks post partum to measure levels of chemicals in my brain. Unfortunate for the study, I did not develop any symptoms in the first 13 weeks after Nikolas was born. But they do follow up interviews and will also provide me with more resources to help me get through this.

I’m going to use all the available resources to recover from this, as it is temporary, and I want to be the best mother I can be for my baby. At this point, our family plan of having 2 kids is on the back burner. I just don’t feel like I want to go through this whole baby thing again. I don’t know how people go on to have more than one child, and put themselves through this over and over again. It really is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And the emotional development of my baby is on the line. I’m going to take life one day at a time take any offers of help as they come along.