Out of the Dark, Into the Light

Today I had such a joyful experience with Nikolas. I wish that me 4 months ago could have seen into the future to see me today.

I really have slipped into this role of "mommy" and there isn't a day that goes by where I am not amazed by my baby and what he is teaching me. I am loving every minute. Every mundane minute. Because soon, I know life will be different. Again. My maternity leave ends in September, and I am making sure that I treasure every moment that I get to spend with Nikolas. Even though I only plan to work 3 days a week, I just don't want to go back at all.

Today I took Nikolas on a big shopping trip to Superstore. And it was such a contrast to a shopping trip we made when he was only about 4 months old. It was the week from hell, and the week when I really hit bottom with my depression.

I had quite a long list of things to buy, and since I was still carrying Nikolas around in his car seat, I had high hopes that I could just set him and his car seat into the shopping cart and that he'd sleep. Unfortunately for me, it didn't go that way at all. For the entire time I was in the store, he was crying. And screaming. And crying some more. I'd given him a bottle, he had a clean diaper, all he needed to do was close his eyes and go to sleep. I was trying to get through the store and find everything that was on my list. But Superstore had to go and redesign the entire layout of their store, and it was now impossible to find ANYTHING. Mix that with an exhausted mother, a screaming baby, and it's a recipe for disaster. Comments about my crying baby from complete strangers did not help at all. Yes, I can see my baby is crying. What the fuck do you want me to do about it??? Someone in our house has to buy the groceries! And that someone now has a permanent sidekick!! Why do strangers have to butt in and give their opinions about why they think my baby is crying? Do they really think they are helping?

There were moments where I was barely hanging on. Just choking back the tears. All I wanted to do was sit on the floor, bury my face in my hands and surrender to the tears. I somehow managed to get most of the items on my grocery list. Some things were just impossible to find and I was quickly losing the battle of keeping it together.

When I finallly made it to the checkout, Nikolas FINALLY decided to give in and fell asleep. I bagged my groceries, zipped up my jacket and headed for the exit. On the way out, I was stopped by a store employee who just had to see my cute little baby. "Oh my! Look at how cute he is!" Just as the poor woman was about to reach out to touch Nikolas, I lost it on her. "Do not touch my baby! He JUST fell asleep! Have you not heard him screaming for the past hour in here?" All the while, waving my hands in the air like a crazy woman. The lady quickly backed away, obviously scared of this out of control mother with the out of control hair. (I like to call it "new mommy hair").

It wasn't until I was on the freeway, half way home that I realized that in my state of I'm-about-to-lose-my-fucking-mind I had forgotten to buckle up the straps in Nikolas' car seat. He was loosely sitting in his seat, fast asleep, oblivious to the danger I had put him in. I immediately pulled over on the side of the road, climbed into the back seat, buckled him in and broke down. What an awful mother I was. I knew I had just blown my chance at the Mother-of-the-Year award. I put my baby's life at risk. Who was I to think that I could do this whole parenthood thing? Somehow, through the good 15 minutes of all-out bawling in the backseat of my truck, Nikolas did not wake up at all.

I found a discarded napkin on the floor of the backseat, wiped away my tears and the snot, and got back behind the wheel. I cannot even begin the explain the amount of guilt I felt all the way home. The rest of the drive thinking "what if...".

Flash forward to today.

5 minutes before we arrived at the same store, Nikolas had fallen alseep. I no longer take his car seat out (those things are super heavy) so putthing him and his car seat in the shopping cart was no longer an option. Luckily, my schedule was pretty flexible today, so I just sat in the truck for 1/2 hour, reading while he had a little cat nap. Once he woke up, I got him loaded up and into a shopping cart and off we went.

He is so much fun to shop with now, because he wants to investigate everything. Any packaging that makes any crinkly sounds, or any boxes that can be shaken to make noise are easy ways to make him happy. We spent almost 2 hours shopping today, and not once did he make a fuss. He had my purse to chew on, and he was so content. We'd play and laugh and I'd make faces at him as we made our way down the aisles. I was even caught singing along to the music that was playing over the store speakers. How could you NOT sing along to the Beastie Boys??

All along, I kept thinking back to that dark day when all I wanted to do was cry my heart out in that store. Today, my heart is so full of love and joy and I am so glad that I've been able to come away from that dark place and I love what I've become: Mommy.