A Year Later...

This week marked the one year anniversary of me ending maternity leave and being back at work. I have been working for as long as I was at home….working with a baby.

I am often asked if I like working, and I don’t lie: I do like it. I feel like being at work is time I can focus on my work without little hands grabbing at my pants saying “up”, or “mama! Toons!” (cartoons). I have made quite a lot of progress in the past year at my job, including an opportunity to go back to school part time to pursue an education in marketing. I may be crazy for taking this on. It will definitely be a challenge, but I think I’m up for it.

Every day, especially mornings and evenings are hectic; even more so in the summer time when my husband, who is a golf professional, is required to work long hours and we can go an entire week without having him at the dinner table. Some days I find myself thinking that I've mastered this whole working mom thing and then there are other days when I know that I’ll have to do the whole mundane routine over again tomorrow, and it has brought me to tears.

I’ve made a huge effort to get back to working out and eating ‘clean’, and have actually gotten myself down to my wedding weight. I have 2 windows of opportunity to exercise each work day; either at 5 am at home, or during my lunch hour at the gym. I have learned some great lessons in organization and preparedness as well as making my workouts as efficient as possible. I have two great resources to thank for this: the Nike Training Club app on my iPhone, and the girls of Tone It Up who offer nutritional advice and workouts.

Working out and being healthy benefits me and my family in so many ways. I find I have so much more engergy to get through the day. Mostly, it helps with my depression. If I go a few days where I’m eating like crap and not exercising, I really feel a difference in my attitude and outlook, and in the way I treat people, especially my family. I can have an explosive temper, and there have been a few times where I have regretted lashing out at, or in front of, Nikolas. I don’t want him to ever be scared of mommy getting mad. I have come a long way in controlling my temper, but still have to work on it. Working out definitely helps me have a positive state of mind and I’m better able to control my reaction to stressful situations.

I often wish I had more time to write, because I really love looking back at my stories and seeing how far I’ve come. One of the things that bother me is the name of my blog. “Is That Baby Puke On Your Shirt” isn’t really applicable to my life anymore, so I’ve been brainstorming some new names that would be a better fit to my crazy life. Anyway, I hope to increase the amount I write, and if you have any suggestions for names, pass them along!

House Bound

For the past little while -- I can’t even begin to guess how long, because there is no sense of time in maternity-leave land –- Nikolas has settled into a 2-nap-a-day routine. His first nap occurs about 2 hours after he gets up in the morning, and he sleeps for roughly 2 hours. Then he has an afternoon nap, and it can happen anytime from right after lunch at 1:00, or as late as 3:00 or 4:00. This nap is shorter, usually an hour or so.

I think back to when he was only 4 or 5 months old, and I was struggling so hard to get him to nap at all. It was so difficult, I’m pretty sure it’s what drove me into my downward spiral to the rock bottom of my depression. So don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled that he sleeps during the day. However, it keeps me house bound.

Mornings are strictly for at home. Get up, give him a bottle, let him play for awhile, then breakfast, and nap. Then depending on how long his nap is, he’ll usually play some more until lunch time. Earlier this week I thought I’d try to go for a run right after breakfast, and he could sleep in his stoller. So I got him strapped in, got myself and the dog ready to hit the trails, and Nikolas didn’t fall asleep until we were on our way home, and it only lasted about 20 minutes. (Lesson learned: I suffered for the rest of the day right up until his bed time).

So, if I’m lucky, I can plan to leave the house immediately after lunch, unless he’s showing he’s ready for another nap.....ughhhhhh!

I can no longer plan anything with anybody, especially if they also have a baby, who also needs to nap! If I have errands to run, or groceries to pick up, I can plan to do only one thing per outing. And the whole time I’m watching Nikolas very carefully for signs that it’s time to get home RIGHT NOW because I don’t want him to fall asleep on the way home...because then he won’t sleep when we get home! Arrrrgghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I’d love to start taking classes at the gym, or attend baby aqua-size, but nothing is scheduled for right after lunch.

We’re nearing the end of summer – gasp – and I feel like I haven’t had many chances to really enjoy it. Every outing is about getting something accomplished...run errands, take the dog out, etc. It’s never just about having fun. And the fun we have is alone, because it’s been so difficult to make plans with anybody else. I’ve been feeling really isolated and lonely, and Matt is still working crazy hours at the golf course, so he usually comes home in time for Nikolas to go to bed, or he's already there.

It’s getting to the point now where I am actually looking forward to going back to work a few days a week, just so I can get out of the house.

Do any SAHM’s have any advice for me? How do I handle this??

Out of the Dark, Into the Light

Today I had such a joyful experience with Nikolas. I wish that me 4 months ago could have seen into the future to see me today.

I really have slipped into this role of "mommy" and there isn't a day that goes by where I am not amazed by my baby and what he is teaching me. I am loving every minute. Every mundane minute. Because soon, I know life will be different. Again. My maternity leave ends in September, and I am making sure that I treasure every moment that I get to spend with Nikolas. Even though I only plan to work 3 days a week, I just don't want to go back at all.

Today I took Nikolas on a big shopping trip to Superstore. And it was such a contrast to a shopping trip we made when he was only about 4 months old. It was the week from hell, and the week when I really hit bottom with my depression.

I had quite a long list of things to buy, and since I was still carrying Nikolas around in his car seat, I had high hopes that I could just set him and his car seat into the shopping cart and that he'd sleep. Unfortunately for me, it didn't go that way at all. For the entire time I was in the store, he was crying. And screaming. And crying some more. I'd given him a bottle, he had a clean diaper, all he needed to do was close his eyes and go to sleep. I was trying to get through the store and find everything that was on my list. But Superstore had to go and redesign the entire layout of their store, and it was now impossible to find ANYTHING. Mix that with an exhausted mother, a screaming baby, and it's a recipe for disaster. Comments about my crying baby from complete strangers did not help at all. Yes, I can see my baby is crying. What the fuck do you want me to do about it??? Someone in our house has to buy the groceries! And that someone now has a permanent sidekick!! Why do strangers have to butt in and give their opinions about why they think my baby is crying? Do they really think they are helping?

There were moments where I was barely hanging on. Just choking back the tears. All I wanted to do was sit on the floor, bury my face in my hands and surrender to the tears. I somehow managed to get most of the items on my grocery list. Some things were just impossible to find and I was quickly losing the battle of keeping it together.

When I finallly made it to the checkout, Nikolas FINALLY decided to give in and fell asleep. I bagged my groceries, zipped up my jacket and headed for the exit. On the way out, I was stopped by a store employee who just had to see my cute little baby. "Oh my! Look at how cute he is!" Just as the poor woman was about to reach out to touch Nikolas, I lost it on her. "Do not touch my baby! He JUST fell asleep! Have you not heard him screaming for the past hour in here?" All the while, waving my hands in the air like a crazy woman. The lady quickly backed away, obviously scared of this out of control mother with the out of control hair. (I like to call it "new mommy hair").

It wasn't until I was on the freeway, half way home that I realized that in my state of I'm-about-to-lose-my-fucking-mind I had forgotten to buckle up the straps in Nikolas' car seat. He was loosely sitting in his seat, fast asleep, oblivious to the danger I had put him in. I immediately pulled over on the side of the road, climbed into the back seat, buckled him in and broke down. What an awful mother I was. I knew I had just blown my chance at the Mother-of-the-Year award. I put my baby's life at risk. Who was I to think that I could do this whole parenthood thing? Somehow, through the good 15 minutes of all-out bawling in the backseat of my truck, Nikolas did not wake up at all.

I found a discarded napkin on the floor of the backseat, wiped away my tears and the snot, and got back behind the wheel. I cannot even begin the explain the amount of guilt I felt all the way home. The rest of the drive thinking "what if...".

Flash forward to today.

5 minutes before we arrived at the same store, Nikolas had fallen alseep. I no longer take his car seat out (those things are super heavy) so putthing him and his car seat in the shopping cart was no longer an option. Luckily, my schedule was pretty flexible today, so I just sat in the truck for 1/2 hour, reading while he had a little cat nap. Once he woke up, I got him loaded up and into a shopping cart and off we went.

He is so much fun to shop with now, because he wants to investigate everything. Any packaging that makes any crinkly sounds, or any boxes that can be shaken to make noise are easy ways to make him happy. We spent almost 2 hours shopping today, and not once did he make a fuss. He had my purse to chew on, and he was so content. We'd play and laugh and I'd make faces at him as we made our way down the aisles. I was even caught singing along to the music that was playing over the store speakers. How could you NOT sing along to the Beastie Boys??

All along, I kept thinking back to that dark day when all I wanted to do was cry my heart out in that store. Today, my heart is so full of love and joy and I am so glad that I've been able to come away from that dark place and I love what I've become: Mommy.

In Case You’ve Been Wondering....

Yes, I am still depressed. I just don’t talk about it. I’ve been medicated, and even though all the really terrible thoughts and feelings have gone away, I still have sadness about me some days. In April, I joined a support group through the Millwoods Family Resource Centre in Edmonton called Managing Motherhood. We meet every Monday and it’s been an awesome way to connect with other moms who suffer from PPD and to learn tools and strategies for dealing with depression. The group is facilitated by a couple of wonderful women and each week we cover different topics such as communication skills, anger management, setting boundaries, and resources available to us.

This past Monday was our last get together for the spring session, and it was this week that I had a wake up call. The support group was the only time and place where I acknowledged that I suffered from depression, but I still wasn’t talking about it. Up until this week, I’ve been feeling like I have less depression and more  CBS: Cranky Bitch Syndrome. Some days I’d leave the group feeling like a fraud. After hearing the stories of the other moms, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be part of the group, because what they go through is far worse than what I do. I really felt like I had this whole depression thing tackled, when in reality, I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I’ve been letting the drugs do their work, but I haven’t been doing mine.

There is one particular mom in the group who I feel has a lot in common with me, and I could relate alot to what she goes through. Recently, she’s had a positive energy about her, and you could tell just by looking at her that she was doing good. She even announced that she was trying to get closer to her husband again.

Her accomplishments made me really aware that I haven’t been doing anything to help myself get better. I’d leave the group each Monday with a new sheet of paper with tips for things to think about and work on. The paper would just get filed into the folder they gave us at the beginning of the group and be forgotten. I never discussed anything with anybody. Everything has been internalized, and buried. This is what I do. The other night, Matt saw one of the papers on the table from this week about Productive Arguments. He asked where it came from. As I picked it up from the table and stuffed it into my file folder, I just told him it’s from support group, and that I don’t tell him about it because he doesn’t ask. Wow. Talk about transferring blame and not taking responsibility.

I don’t have the negative thoughts about what a terrible mother I am. Now I know what a terrible wife and best friend I’ve become to my husband.

Ever since we’ve gotten back from Cuba, I’ve harboured this anger and resentment towards him. (yes, this also coincides with the start of golf season). I’ve completely shut myself off and have pushed him away. Every day this week since I’ve realized what I’ve been doing, I’ve planned to talk to Matt about this once Nikolas goes to bed. And it just never happens. I can’t bring myself to open up and talk about what’s going on. I go on, letting my husband think that I no longer love him and want nothing to do with him. He’s actually told me that he knows I hate him.

How could I have become so self absorbed in my own pity party that I didn’t care how my actions were affecting him? I’m feeling tremendous guilt and sadness over this and now I just don’t know how to make it better.

I Don't Love it When....

I take my antidepressants sporadically. I am one mean bitch right now.